Singles 83/84 | James Bond Lives Down Our Street Tune | Olga I Cannot Tune

DIG THAT GROOVE BABY

DIG THAT GROOVE BABY

Friday night is bath night this is what they say
We are gonna dig the groove, we've waited all day
We wear trendy trousers with belts a mile too long
We are gonna catch the bus into the town
We are boogie on down..
CHORUS:
Dig that groove ba-a-by (repeat)
Dig dig dig dig digga that groove baby.
There they are again covered in Old Spice
They think they will get the girls cause
they smell nice,
They all call me riff raff
'Coz I wear a Crombie
I couldn't stand it being just like them
they all look like puffs not men
CHORUS
See that trendy there she used to be a punk
Now she's off to the disco to listen to junk
Her boyfriend was a skinhead
He used to shout Oi! Oi!
Play that funky music that's what they say now
Come with me and I'll show you how..
CHORUS

DOUGY GIRO

You can guess whatlife for Dougy
is like, he wakes up in the street,
No home, no bed, he says he's lucky,
That he can smile and be happy....
CHORUS:
Dougy, Dougy, Giro,
Dougy, Dougy, Giro.
People say that he's not worthy
of clothes, that shows that they don't care,
But he does not let this get him down,
That is how Dougy stays alive....
CHORUS
Dougy's inside a bus shelter,
It's raining and a sight to see,
Dougy smiles he's seen a rainbow,
Every.. where's bright, and so is he...
CHORUS

SPIDERS IN THE DRESSING ROOM

I was getting dressed late one night
along came a spider and I got a fright
oh I could not squash it flat
No matter how I tried,
And when it looked me in the eye
I ran away to hide..
I put on me Doctor Martin shoes
A battle with the spider that I wasn't gonna loose
A kick from the left a kick from the right
I was on the floor but I was alright
It was gonna be a long long night
CHORUS:
Spiders in the dressing room
Spiders everywhere
Spider in the dressing room beware
(repeat twice)
Things were getting hot and I had to take a chance
The spider got impatient
Started crawling up me pants
I shook it off me legthump it hit the ground
Everything was silent so I didn't make a sound
I crossed the room as happy as can be
I had killed the spider now it couldn't bother me
But with me arm on the light
He was there ready for a fight
It was gonna be a long long night.
CHORUS
It was getting late and the spider wasn't dead
An audience had gathered round
AndI was going red
I put a jam jar on the floor
the spider crawled inside it
I screwed the lid back on the top
And threw the jar outside
At a party late that night
Everything was bright and gay
We played all our pop records and danced the night away,
Early in the morning came a knocking at the door
I opened it slowly guess what I saw
It was gonna be a long long night..
CHORUS

GLENDA AND THE TEST TUBE BABY

CHORUS:
Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee,
Things were looking gloomy and Glenda she was sad,
Kevin had been out with Carol Sands,
But Glenda she though surely,
It can't be that bad, if I had a baby,
CHORUS
Glenda went round to the doctors the next day,
You can't have a baby, that's what he said,
Glenda did not give up she's got this book to read,
Of how to have a test tube baby....
CHORUS
Glenda's Dad had just died and she was unhappy,
If only she could have a baby,
So to the disapproval of Kevin and his mam,
She signed up for a baby....
CHORUS...

UP THE GARDEN PATH

All our mates that we once knew said they were happy,
Always shouting in the street, just like you and me,
Always finding laughter, fun and games to play,
They of course have to agree,
Suddenly they were swept off their feet and gone,
They don't know what hit them,
Just like the rest, the girlfriends got the best,
And so the story just goes on....
CHORUS:
They all get washed for them, even have a bath,
But they are now being led, up the garden path....
I was sitting in the sun reading the days press,
A boy that I once knew was in, I've never seen such a mess
Smiling with a moustache, a suit, a shirt and tie,
He had just been wed today,
I could not help but laugh, what's got into him?
He looks about fourty,
He's been such a nit, now he's in for it,
And soon you'll hear him say....
CHORUS
I was lying on the beach licking cool ice cream,
A man, a wife and a pram went by, it was like a dream,
He was climbing apple trees just a moon ago,
The kind of bloke you think, won't grow,
His face is like a fiddle now, long and sad and blue,
He still says he's happy,
He must have gone mad, cos he's not the lad,
That I once used to know....
CHORUS

NELLIE THE ELEPHANT

To Bombay a travelling circus came, they brought an
inteligent elephant and Nellie was her name
One dark night she slipped her iron chain
and off she ran to Hindustan
ans was never seen again.. oooooo
Nellie the elephant pack her trunk and said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump.
New Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and trundled off to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump.
..The head of the herd was calling far far away
They met one night in the silver light on the road to Mandalay...
Night by night she danced to the circus band
When Nelli was leading the big parade she looked so proud and grand
No more tricks for Nellie to perform
They taught her how to take a bow and she took the crowd by storm..
Oooooooooooo

POOR DAVEY

There was Davey, there was Davey,
There was Davey, Happy Davey
His girlfriend's gone, his girlfriend's gone away, ay ay ay ay....
All he wants is a room with the stars looking down across Davey,
The sun and the moon and the sky high are just fine for poor Davey,
There's nothing left, there's nothing left,
There's nothing left to see for poor Davey....
He wants to be, he wants to be,
He wants to be alone....
Why did she love him so? Why did she have to go?
Poor Davey doesn't know, now Davey's all alone....
She did upset, she did upset,
She did upset Davey, Davey, Davey,
He won't forget, he won't forget, not Davey...

STAY MELLOW

Things do go wrong, it's not long since I've been blue,
But I know the remedy, I can see just what to do....
Don't be a coward, don't be yellow,
It always pays to be mellow,
Stay cool, stay free and then you will see,
It's best to stay mellow....
I was upset and in debt with no money,
But I did not stay sad, it's not that bad, so remember....
Oh if you are down in the town with no bus fare,
Start walking and smile, in a while you'll be back home..

QUEEN ALEXANDRA ROAD IS WHERE SHE SAID SHE'D BE

BUT WAS SHE THERE TO MEET ME? NO CHANCE
She was at a party I was stuck at home
I was not invited so she went on her own
I will not be long now this is what she said
I'm stood waiting for her I must be off my head
CHORUS:
Queen Alexandra Road is where she said she'd be
But was she there to meet me? No chance.
I was going to land her a thump when I see her you see
She's forgotten about me.
It was well past midnight she still dug the groove
I just stood there freezing I couldn't even move
She will soon get sick now want to go back home
There was no sign of her I should have known
CHORUS
Oh riganortis set in, I was a block of ice
I'de even missed the late film starring VincentPrice
Two o'clock she turned up, have you been waiting long?
She looked into my eyes sweetly, I said not that long..
WORSE THINGS HAPPEN AT SEA
It's not the first time somebody has ahd the flu,
Remember when you had toothache....
A hot lemsip will help the sneezing so,
You will have to stay happy....
CHORUS:
Remember....
Worse things happen at sea,
Keep dreaming of better days.... (twice)
I know it's crap when there's something in your eye,
Think yourself lucky you've not got a bad back,
It's pretty sore when you have a mouth ulcer,
But you have got to stay happy....
CHORUS
I know it's sad when your face is acne,
But don't be put off by some yellow spots,
So you got a toe nailthat his growing in,
You have got to stay happy....

BLUE SUEDE SHOES

Well it's one for the money, two for the show,
Three to get ready now go cat go,
But don't you step on my blue suede shoes,
You can do anything but keep off my blue suede shoes.

FIREY JACK

Oh I woke up with a back ache, back ache, back ache,

I though I would go to the first aid tin
Well I found something for me bach ache, back ache, back ache,
I rubbed in some cream and started to scream, oooh
CHORUS:
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, it's red hot on yer back
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, believe me it does knack
Firey Jack, Firey Jack, it's red hot on yer back,
Firey, Firey Jack.
Now I had a back ache on me back ache, back ache, back ache,
I jumped into a bath full of cold water,
The Firey Jack had made me back ache, back ache, back ache,
I'm worse than before, I can't take it anymore oooh
CHORUS

A FAR OUT DISC

SHE GOES TO FINOS

Every night I know that she goes to Finos,
and every night I know that she see's him
Every night she holds him tight at Finos
and everynight it's alright for him....
CHORUS:
and she goes... La la la la la la la to Finos
yes she goes... la la la la la la la with him,
and she goes... La la la la la la la to Finos
yes she goes... la la la la la la la...
Every night I try to get into Finos
and every night they just won't let me in,
and everynight I watch him meet her at Finos
and every night it's alright for him..
CHORUS
One of these nights I'm gonna get into Finos
and one of this nights I'm gonna make her see me,
and every night I'm gonna get into Finos
and everynight will be alright for me...
CHORUS

MODERN SCHOOL OF MOTORING

If you hoo hoo want a lesson or two,
take a hint you'll pay a mint at..
Modern School, Modern School,
they always say you are doing okay,
it's not true......
CHORUS:
Come on everybody sing Modern School of Motoring,
the best place to go if you want to crash,
you will never pass your test,
they say you will but it's a jest,
Modern School just wants your cash.
Out on the road, don't use the highway code,
not with us it's too much fuss at..
Modern School, Modern School,
Jump in and drive you're lucky to be alive,
when it's through..
CHORUS
When the test day, comes around they will say,
just stay cool, that's the rule of,
Modern School, Modern School,
then when you fail, they will say next time you'll sail,
right through...
CHORUS

CAROL DODDS IS PREGNANT

Carol Dodds ahooo is a girl,
she was always happ
ee but now it's crap for her she's met Keith,
Carol Dodds ahooo's in a whirl,
she thinks Keith is good,
but I knew he would leave herrrrrrrrr
CHORUS:
She is getting fat her belly's got a lump in it,
Keith must have done that, you never see him now,
poor Carol does beg Keith back coz she's preg
nant Carol Dodds is preeeeeeegnant...
Carol Dodds ahoo's getting sick,
she does want Keith much,
even just to touch him would make her feel good,
Carol Dodds ahoo needs love quick,
she just wants to be,
next to Keith you see to satisfy herrrrrrrrr....
CHORUS
Carol Dodds ahoo misses Keith,
she's finding it tough,
though Keith is a scruff she loves him madly,
Carol Dodds ahoo's lost belief,
she told him she's pregnant,
but Keith just went frant, ic he upt and left herrrrrr
CHORUS

YOU AND A BOX OF HANDKERCHIEFS

Oh I never sneeze when you're around,
and you never think I have a cold,
but when I'm all alone I I Ityshoo I need,
you and a box of handkerchiefs...
My nose never runs when you're around,
and you never think I have the flu,
but when I really do I I Ityshoo I need,
you and a box of handkerchiefs...
I catch a cold easy
when I'm feeling sneezy,
what I really need's a box of handkerchiefs to please me
It's you I need, you and a box of handkerchiefs...
Everytime I go out I get the flu,
I'm okay one minute then I start sneezing again,
I sneeze here I sneeze there I'm always sneezing everywhere...
Oh I never sniff when you're around,
and you never think I'm really ill,
oh but I tell you still I I Ityshoo I need,
you and a box of handkerchiefs.

BLESS YOU MY SON

You tell me, I'm not good e
nough for you, what can I do?
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh,
I got so sick I told a Vic
ar her dad, I must be mad,
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh...
CHORUS:
He just said don't worry your head
there'll be another girl instead
trust in God the father and the son
get out of her life and Bless you my soon...
You always said you wanted a stead
y boyfriend, now don't pretend
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh,
I took the path up to the Cath
edral where, he stood there,
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh...
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT...
I ever thought, that I would be court
ing with you, but it's true
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh,
but it went bad because her dad
he saw me with her you see,
shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh,
CHORUS

MY GIRLFRIEND'S DAD'S A VICAR

God help me what can I do,
my girlfriend's dad is a Vicar boo hoo,
and he won't let me be alone with you,
oh he's a Vicar and there's nothing I can do
God help him what can he do,
his girlfriend's dad is a Vicar boo hoo,
and he won't let him be alone with you,
oh he's a Vicar and there's nothing he can do.

COME BACK JACKIE

Old Jackie's gone to sea,
Jackie's gone oh Jackie's gone to sea,
where will he be? when will we see?
Old Jackie at home on land from sea...
A secret mission he's been on
he's not been fishin' like they all say,
it's all hush hush
don't make a fuss,
and they all rush to say...
CHORUS:
Jackie's been on a holiday a million miles away,
Jackie's back, we hope that Jackie stays,
We won't know when Jackie goes,
and he won't hear us say,
come back Jackie, come back Jackie ooh today..
Since Jackie went to sea
they've heard nothing since he went to sea,
where's Jackie, where can he be?
no one knows where old Jackie can be...

DO YOU WANT TO FINISH OR WHAT?

If you're down and you're sick,
and you want her out quick,
but you don't know the trick what to do,
she'll be laughing at you,
if you don't have a clue
show that you have grew up and shout...
we are thru and say...
CHORUS:
DO YOU want to finish OR WHAT?,
I've just about had MY LOT,
I can't take this from you,
I'M FED up now because she said,
I don't know what to do...
You've got to be a man,
kick her out while you can,
get a re-moval van booked for her,
tell her to take her stuff,
it's time now to be tough,
you've had about enough
and don't want to suffer any more,
CHORUS
A fortnight is long ee
nough for her to agree,
to decide just what she wants to do,
if by then she does not
you've got to start n plot,
just where when to do and what,
how you're gonna get shot of her...
CHORUS

WE'RE MAD

Insanity is everywhere,
it's a pity it's everywhere we go... we're mad John,
sirens are wailing everywhere,
wars underway...
Down comes a bomb from the sky to the ground,
the score's two one it's the enemy's round,
but we'll all be dead coz the whole world's gone...
HELLBOUND!
CHORUS:
We're Mad... ca ca ca crazee,
We're Mad... la la la looneys too,
We're Mad... ca ca ca crazee,
Ca ca ca crazee now... Lookout!
Ten thousand soldiers everywhere,
guns on their shoulders everywhere they go... they're mad John!
always a battle everywhere,
madness again Hey!
The wives back home looking after baby,
cry when they see that on the T.V.
their love's been shot, but tonight they made,
HISTORY...
CHORUS
Down comes a bomb from the sky to the ground,
the score's two one it's the enemy's round,
but we'll all be dead coz the whole world's gone...
HELLBOUND!
CHORUS
We are mad it's clear again, that it will always be the same,
it's a fact but really is a shame, that we're Mad Mad Mad Mad
Mad Mad Mad Mad.............

SINGLES 83/84

SHE'S A WORKY TICKET

She's a worky ticket I bought her a King cone
and she woudn't lick it
she wanted the chocolate one but when I got there
they'd all gone.
CHORUS:
yeah she's a worky ticket everywhere we go
Worky ticket
leaves me standing in the rain
and freezin in the snow
Worky ticket everywhere we go
Worky ticket, worky ticket...
sent me up the pub for 20 L and B
but when I got back all she did was yell at me
she was sittin watchin Charles Dichens on the box
what's that funny smell ya better go and wash yer socks
I couldn't bear it could not take it any more
grabbed me coat and me hat and slipped out of the door
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
She's a little worky ticket I bought her a watch and
she wouldn't fit it
I fixed if meself, it smashed upon the shelf
It doesn't fit, never mind...
CHORUS

H.O.

Oh I can't forget a girl I knew
H.O.'s her name, I bet
there's no one else to blame
for I used to be an easy going man
but now I'm the one of the millions
that she's made feel the same
CHORUS:
Oh she's a stick of dynamite
she will go go go
and if you meet her one fine night
you'll know......that
H.O. I told you so
when she gets a hold of you
she never lets go
H.O. your mind will blow
destroy the human race
H.O. I told you so
when she gets a hold of you
she never lets go
H.O.H.O.H.O.
Oh she is going to rule the world
H.O.'s got
the determination and power in her hands
so look out for a blue flash in the sky
blue baby
haleys comet hasn't got a look in now
CHORUS
Oh I am warning you stay clear of
H.O.'s electric danger
to the like of you and me
I've been frightened to do what I say
you'd better lock your door
you'd better hide yourself away...
CHORUS

CHEERIO & TOODLE PIP

Who's a pretty boy then?
your girlfriend says when she's got you wearing a tie
you're looking like a puff and you think I've had enough
stop and take a look at yourself for a while
and you'll know it's time to say
CHORUS:
Cheerio, cheerio
toodle pip, toodle pip
this is our last goodbye
don't cry
cheerio, cheerio
toodle pip, toodle pip
our last farewell, goodbye.
Sitting watching Coronation street
you decide to put your feet up, just about comfy in your seat
and she says, I'm feeling hungry
if she sends you out for a bag of fish'n'chips
you'll know it is time to say...
CHORUS
need a bit of shut eye so you lie on the couch
she is yapping in the background
baby's things wedding rings
it's not for you, she will never keep her mouth shut
you have to tell her now, once and for all
coz now it's time to say...
CHORUS

HANKY PANKY

Oh! baby I fancy
what do you mean?
baby I fancy
I know what you mean
oooo ee Hanky Panky
I'm feeling randy
what do you mean?
I'm feeling randy
I know what you mean
oooo ee Hanky Panky
Oky doky hanky panky
oky doky hanky
oky doky hanky panky
oky doky hanky... hanky.
O.K. I'll grant yee
what do you mean
O.K. I fancy
I know what you mean
oooo ee hanky panky
I know that I'm thin and lanky
but I am telling you frankly
what I need is hanky panky
I want to thank ee
don't be silly
I want to thank ee
I know what you mean
ooo ee hanky panky.

TOMMY KOWEYS CAR

Hey! hey! hey! hey!
There's a motor store at the top of Hylton Road
you go there for for little bits n pieces for your car
and in the office there sits a secretary she's got
Long blonde hair,
Mr Tommy Kowey fancies her....
CHORUS:
I saw her in Tommy Kowey's car
I saw her in Tommy Kowey's car
in Tommy Kowey's car.
At the motor store he was there last Tuesday night
with her I saw, they were kissin at the factory door
but she still tells me, there is nothing going on
with us you see it was Tommy Kowey's wife you saw...
CHORUS
At the motor store Mr Tommy Koweys gotta
Jag-U-Ar she's never been in it she says before
but now she tells lies, she was havin dinner out
the other night and she went in Tommy Kowey's car..
CHORUS

DEIDRIE'S A SLAG

First of all there was Ray
he went with Deidrie yeh Ray
thought that he was the bee's knee
but now he's left her and she's pleased
and just incase you meet
Deidrie down Coronation Street
she's a slag.
CHORUS:
everybody sing... Deidrie's a slag
slag slag slag
Deidrie's a slag
big ugly slag
yeh Deidrie's a slag.
Mike Baldwin came like a flash
he had a Jag U ar and cash
Ken saw them at the flicks that night
neckin on he squeezed her tight
and just in case you meet
Deidrie down Coronation Street
she's a slag..
CHORUS
Ken was next said I love you
why all the o-ther blokes too
Deidrie said what's it got to do with you
it's up to me what I do
and just in case you meet
Deidrie down Coronation Street
she's a slag..
CHORUS

I'VE GOT ASTHMA

I've got asthma and I can not breath
can't breath at all!
I've got an inhaler with me
I am choking and my face is blue
blue and it's getting worse!
I think I will have to lie down.. coz
CHORUS:
I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA
yeah I've got ASTHMA..
I've got asthma and I am wheezing
wheezing like mad!
I don't think I will sleep tonight
I think I'll reach for my inhaler
Good idea!
I hope it makes me feel better.. coz
CHORUS
My inhaler needs a refill
what shall I do?
the Chemist is not open yet
blue face, can't breath and I'm still wheezing
dear me! dear me!
I just do not know what to do.. coz
CHORUS

ALFIE FROM THE BRONX

Alfie, can see
Johnny and Freddie outside the Bronx
and he, will be
happy with this memory
CHORUS:
And it's all echoes, where Alfie goes
the Bronx is in his head
Alfie's home is through, the life he knew
has all gone down... with the Bronx
Alfie, sadly
misses the only true friends that he had
now he, can't see
himself ever being happy
CHORUS
Alfie's home in the Bronx
he belongs in the Bronx
Alfie, now he
Johnny and Freddie remember the Bronx
and the family
Alfie once had in the Bronx

EVERYBODY JITTERBUG

Ooh you won't ever see me without a smiling face
diddle iddle I do that's coz I go
Jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin,
ooh if you're feelin lonely or you're feelin blue
just come with me I'll show you what to do....
CHORUS:
Everybody shout HEY! everybody sing HEY!
we're all goin jitterbuggin,
everybody jitterbug.
Looking out the window baby's gone away
don't be upset it's not the end
Jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin
if you want to jitter-bug then good for you
just come with me I'll show you what to do...
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Jitterbuggin meril-y all night and day
always laughin, laugh laugh laughin
jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin
if you're feelin gloomy, tired or got the flu
come with me I'll show you what to do...
CHORUS

RUPERT THE BEAR

There's a little bear on the loose
* he's a lot of fun
children everywhere are gonna love him a lot
he's their #1
* told them about the things that he's done
and he's going to share all of his music with them
[Chorus]
Rupert, Rupert the Bear
everybody say his name
Rupert, Rupert the Bear
everybody come and join
in all of his games

IDLE GOSSIP

IDLE GOSSIP

Guess who's working on the fiddle
tell me who works on the fiddle
I'll tell you who works on the fiddle
oooo ooo Idle gossip
guess who's just come off the pill
tell me who's come off the pill
oooo ooo Idle gossip.
They must be thick, it's everywhere you go
it makes me sick, I just don't wanna know
about who's in the latest news, oh no.
CHORUS:
everybody wants to know the rumours
everybody wants to know the scandle
Idle, idle,......... gossip.
Guess who can't pay their gas bill
tell me who can't pay the bill
I'll tell you who can't pay the bill
oooo ooo idle gossip
guess who I slept with last night
tell me where you slept last night
oooo ooo idle gossip
CHORUS

O YOU WANNA BE LIKE DOUGY BELL?

Ran over by a bus up the high street
Dougy only feels a tickle in his feet
the driver shouts Oi! are you alright
but Dougy's on his way
Dougy then has a little mishap
when a geezer comes along and gives him a slap,
Dougy said it's wise that you apologize
or else you'll face D D D Dougy
CHORUS:
Beware, beware, beware, beware,
never never mess with Dougy Bell
beware beware beware beware
never never mess with him
D you, d you, d you, do you wanna be like Dougy
or d you, d you, d you, d you wanna be like me
I wanna wanna wanna be like Dougy.
Dougy's getting sick of burglaries
he's changed all the locks
and he's bought new keys
he's gonna get the robber no matter what it takes
he's gonna die
Dougy sits waiting with a hammer on his bed
some dirty rougues gonna get a sore head
fifteen vilains or maybe even more
ran when they saw D D D Dougy
CHORUS
Dougy's in the back room playing pool
he's lost five quid but he keeps his cool
Dougy is a winner he'll not be beat
so the game goes on.
Half an hour later when the poolroom's in a wreck
the opposition tries to stick something down his neck,
He began the cry cause he was gonna die
Cause he fooled with D D D Dougy
CHORUS

THE LAMBRUSCO KID

I'm always felling lonely
I'm always feeling blue
she was the one and only
she said sheloved me too
but now she's gone and left me
just like they always do
now I'm always full of misery
I don't know what to do
I'm always on a downer
I should be feeling fine
I'm never on a upper
I need a swig o' wine
Now he's always dizzy coz
he's busy with fizzy Lambrusco
I'm getting fat and lazy
I always look a mess
I need a little drinky poos
to bring me happiness
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff
a Lambrusco kids a kid with sesne
he's always at the Off Liscence with me...
CHORUS:
Now we've found the answer
to stop you geelin low
a bottle of fizzy wine
they call it Lambrusco
I'm always feeling lousy
but I know that when
I've had a glass o'Lamby
I'll be smiling again
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff...
CHORUS
That's what they call me, Lambrusco Kid
That's what they call me, I'm the Lambrusco Kid
I'm such a misery guts
I'm dirty and I stink
I've always got a pet lip
I need another drink.
So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff...
CHORUS

YOU WON'T BE MERRY ON A NORTH SEA FERRY

An ad on the tele put a lump in my belly
sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea ferries
you'll laugh all the way with so little to pay
sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea boys.
The food will choke you, the staff provoke you
the captain doesn't care noooo
the captain doesn't care noooo
CHORUS:
Ahoy! sailings everyday, Ahoy it's the only way
I feel sick I feel sick,
North Sea ferrie's done the trick
Ahoy beat the traffic jam, Ahoy Hull to Roterdam
I feel sick & my cabin's freezin' cold
ooh I booked North Sea Ferries
What a silly boy
you won't be merry on a North Sea Ferry
Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy!
Get across the sea & so cheaply
sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea ferries
so book a trip on a North Sea Ferry ship
sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea boys.
The food will choke you, the staff provoke you...
CHORUS

HARRY CROSS (A TRIBUTE TO EDNA)

Harry Cross, Harry Cross he's not a lucky bloke
he's always blue what can he do now Edna's had a stroke
Harry Cross, Harry Cross she's always in his head
Now Edna's kicked the bucket Edna's snuffed it Edna's dead.
9 o'clock the postman knocks but Harry's still in bed
"Go away" Harry'll say I've got an aching head
don't bother meeeeeee
Ralph's his mate but he can't wait to get out of his way
"Go away" Harry'll say I want some peace today
don't bother meeeeeee
Harry's full of misery, Harry's always busily permanently down
Always being rude with
Always in a mood with Raaaaaaaaalph
CHORUS
It's such a task for Ralph to ask to borrow Harry's car
Oh "Here's the keys" now get lost please have you gone yet?
Tara! don't bother meeeeeeeee
Harry's full of misery, Harry's always busily permanently down...
CHORUS
He's always sad n' lonely now Harry's lost his wife
coz Edna was the only Lady in his life
and now he takes it out on Raaaaaalph.
CHORUS

GEORDIE'S GONE TO JAIL

He's not a thief or a burglar
he never robbed a bank
he didn't commit murder
all Geordie's bullets were blank
Set Geordie free, coz Geordie's not guilty
He's a good guy
the guy they never saw
the coppers were mistaken
Geordie never broke the law
Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all.
CHORUS:
Geordie, ooooh he's the inocent party
.............. They've locked him away
.............. never shot nobody at all
.............. Geordie's gone to jail.
He never takes any drugs
(only penicilin) when he's got a headache
the fingerprint wasn't Geordie's
Geordie's never been a villan.
Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all.
CHORUS.. GUITAR BIT
Geordie's got a pistol
it's for self defence
but he didn't pull the trigger
he commited no offence.
Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all.
CHORUS

SILLY BILLY

Billy's confused he's been abused,
Billy's bemused with Barbara,
she went with Billy but he's so silly
she's finished with him now.
All the wedding plans have gone down the drain
will Billy ever see Babs again?
CHORUS:
He's a silly Billy,
why can't Billy not see?
that Babs is just a slag she's a dirty bag
she just wants his willy
but poor Billy can't see
that she's a trollop & he's a silly Billy
Babs is back she's got the knack
knows how to wrap him round her finger
her little finger
a kiss and a cuddle now Billy's in a muddle
coz Babs has gone again
Now what's gonna happen to the honeymoon?
Babs has gone & Billy's been a goon.
CHORUS

IF YOU'RE IN A POP GROUP YOU'LL END UP PAYING A FORTUNE
PRACTICING AT PETER PRACTICE'S PRACTICE PLACE

Give'z the money Peter Practice says to us
give'z the money quickly don't make a fuss
give'z the money....
Pete takes the pop groups he'll even take the trash
but if you practice at Peter's place
you must have plenty cash
give Pete the money the he'll let you have the key
give Pete the money then you can practice free
it's icey cold in Peter's place
but don't switch on the heater
coz you'll end up putting 10 quid in
Pete's electric meter.
Do you want some crisps and pop?
they're all on sale at Pete's tuck shop
we will have to put a stop to Peter
CHORUS:
we all give Peter the money
we've all been nway
we all give Peter the money now
give'z the cash give'z the bread
give'z the money
money's gone to Peter's head.
if you are stuck
Pete will lend you an amplifier
but when it's time to go
he'll say five pound hire
Do you want some crisps and pop?...
CHORUS
All the pop groups are nearly broke
this has gone far beyond the joke
Peter Practice is a rich bloke now

PC STOKER

Stoker is a boy in blue
and he must be the worst
He's a copper!
Stoker someday he'll get you
but you won't be the first
he's a copper
he's a police constable
that makes us feel uncomfortable
he's a copper
no more football in the street
or neckin with your girlfriend
Stoker's on the beat again...
CHORUS:
He's a Bobby he's a joker
he's a Bobby we want dead
he's a Bobby, P.C. Stoker why
can't we have a decent copper
proper copper instead?
Stoker loves to see a fight
he really goes to town
he's a copper
Stoker's smiling with delight
he's took somebody down
he's a copper
he'll prove you guilty in the court
you'll wish that you had never fought
a copper
don't cry or shout or scream or yell
there's nothing you can do
when Stoker's in the cell with you
CHORUS
The United Team supporters
have invaded the pitch
that's P.C. Stoker's quaters so
he finds his talky switch
I need some help down here boys
there's punks and skinheads too
and we all hate P.C. Stoker &
we hate the boys in blue.
Stoker's rather fed up coz
there's no one else to nick
he's a copper
someone soon will kick his head in
just you wait n'see
it needs somebody tough
coz we've all had enough
yes it needs somebody tough
but I think it won't be me
CHORUS

I TRIED TO TRUST TRACEY

Ooooh, ooooo
She's a fibber
she's always telling him lies
he can't trust her
no matter how he tries
she swore to me
that I would always be the one
then she blew me out she's upt and gone
Will she ever change
she won't fib to me again
or will she stay the same way as before
CHORUS:
I tried tried tried to trust Tracy
never trust Tracy.. she's not trustworthy
I tried.........
you shouldn't trust...
you shouldn't trust Tracy.
They both agreed she'll meet him at 9:30
she was not there
coz Tracy was with me.
Will she ever change...
CHORUS

KEITH'S A THIEF

Keith works every night & day
honesty's his goal
but Keith's a thief coz he's
still claiming dole
what a fiddler Keith is
he thinks he won't be caught
but Keith is gonna end up in court
the SS men will knock on the door
and Keith won't be working no more
Keith Keith Keith's a thief...
he's making money on the sly
which he does not declare
no invoices or reciepts anywhere
locked in the room with the C.I.D.
rather you Keith than me...
Keith Keith Keith's a thief...
Keith is Keith is Keith's a thief
a rip off and a con
Keith is Keith is Keith's a thief
and he's still signing on
Keith is Keith is Keith's still signing on
I'm not decietful he does say
I tell them all the facts
but Keith's a thief
coz he dodges the tax
The PH team will get Keith I AM NOT CERTAIN OF THIS VERSE
coz will all know that Keith's a thief

I'LL GET EVEN WITH STEVEN (STEVE IS TENDER)

Steve is tender Steve is sweet
she'll never let him go
Steven made her life complete
That's why I hate him so
Would she ever really understand
I came to Durham all the way from Sunderland,
when I got there I could not believe
she'd gone with that trendy creep called Steve
How could she forsake me and see this puff,
is it coz of me she's had enough
everytime I rang she was not there
I'm sorry but she's out, she's out with Steve again somewhere!
CHORUS:
She's in love with Steven, Steven
gonna get even, gonna get Steven,
then she won't love Steven, Steven
gonna get eve, gonna get Steve.
Are she and Steve really in love like she says they are
or is it just because Steven's dad lends him the car
or is it coz I'm ugly and Steven's not
or does he have something that I haven't got
CHORUS
I'm gonna make him black & blue
I'm gonna kick his head in
he won't know what to do
CHORUS

BARE FACED CHEEK

BARE FACED CHEEK
You got me outa my head
coz I'm not h, h, h, hunky
you're driving me insane
coz I'm not f, f, funky
well it's a bare faced cheek
calling me a skinny freak
it's a bare faced cheek
you say I'm a skinny punk
and you call me a cheeky monkey.

YUL BRYNNER WAS A SKINHEAD
There's a fella from a film
reminds me of Duncan Goodewe
but he's not a proper skinhead
cause he hasn't got a tattoo
He's not as wise as he seems
coz he's just an actor
he's a dunce, I've never seen
him on the Krypton Factor
We all rinse in Silvercrin
to keep our head clean
but we know that Yul's not
a common human being
coz he uses Mr Sheen...
CHORUS:
Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner,
they say he's a skinhead
but we know that it's a lie
Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner
he is just a baldy geezer
from the Kink & I,
Yul BBBBB Brynner
Yul Brynner was a skinhead
they said on the News,
but I've never seen Yul Brynner
wearing Doctor Martens shoes
His only claim to fame was that
he had a shiney nut
But I would look just the same
if I had my hair cut
We all rinse in Silvercrin...
CHORUS

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH NEAL?
There's a bloke from Hereford Road
who really makes me groan,
everyday he's at the door
or on the telephone
Why can't he just go away
and leave me here alone
In the pictures in the pub
no one can ever know
just how much a pest he is
he's everywhere I go
CHORUS:
It's not fair he's always there
everywhere I go Neal's there,
how do you deal with dddd deal with
it's not fair Neal's everywhere I go
It's not fair he's always there
everywhere I go Neal's there
how do you deal with ddd deal with Neal.
Everyday I cannot eat my grub
or drink or sleep
everyday Neal pulls up in his car
and goes beep beep
What am I supposed to do
about this bloomin creep
everyday I look outside
to see if Neal's about
everyday he's there without a doubt
CHORUS
It doesn't matter where I go
Neal will be there I know
Neal is not a man
he's mice I know

HOWZA BOUTA KISS BABE??!
Bored at a party Saturday night looking at Tupperware,
in came a chick who made me quickly glad I was th there,
how could I get the courage to ask her for a date?
Twas such a task for me to ask by then it was too late
CHORUS:
Howza bouta... Howza Bouta, oooo she drives me crazy
howza bouta, howza bouta kiss baby!
Why am I such a whimp I thought a soft and skinny puff
For me to ask a kiss from her was difficult & tough
Right that's it I decided to confront the lass,
I started shakin at the knees & tried to make a pass
CHORUS
I lose my bottle everytime I see a girl I like
I start talkin jibberish & she says "on yer bike"
there must be something I can do a kiss would make my day
but everytime my gob opens I don't know what to say
CHORUS

FISTICUFFS IN FREDERICK STREET
Frederick Street was on the news tonight
outside Fosters club had been a fight
and everytime you go to dig the beat
you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help...
CHORUS:
Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there?
who's down there?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there?
who's down there?
in the fisticuffs in Frederick Street
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, you don't wanna be,
we don't wanna be there..
Fosters club was full up to the brim
everybody risking life and limb
and just to go and pose at the disco
but posing wasn't easy and the D.J.
he got queasy, blow by blow...
CHORUS
Everything's silent on Frederick Street
a lonely policeman walks the beat...
before long everybody'll know
that Fosters club is not the place to go
unless you want your head kicking in
you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help...
CHORUS

A. DIAMOND
Good morning Britain.....
Nobody can believe what the sun's gonna be.....
A married chap....
been having it off with Annie now Annie's feeling crap..
cause Annie's been left in the craaaa
She doesn't care...
cause Annie's been putting herself about everywhere
We all agree... Annie is a scrubber get her of the T.V.
Russel Grant and Jimmy Grieves and Gorden Honycombe
Nick Kelly they all agree send Annie back home...
CHORUS:
Annie, Annie, get the dodgy boiler off the T.V.
Annie, Annie, now we're not fond of Annie Diamond
get her off, get her off.... of the T.V.
We're really sick....
Annie was a canny lass and now she's up the stick
We couldn't tell....
but now we can we know that Annie's a dirty Jezabel
Russel Grant and Jimmy Grieves....
CHORUS
She used to have a thousand fans that really used to spoil her
until they found out that Anne's a dodgy boiler...
Solo... CHORUS

QUICK TO QUIT THE QUENTIN
Oh quarter to five we were barely alive
we were hungry,
three weeks we've been together through
wet and rainy weather, we were c, c, c, cold,
oh out on the trek of a hotel to check in that night
but we knew we'de done wrong from the stink
and the pong & the feeling that something
wasn't right...
CHORUS:
We were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh
Hotel Quentin Hotel Hell
we were quick to quit the Quentin
A place you shouldn't have went in
we were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh,
it's crap here we could tell,
we were quick to quit the Quentin
a night we should have spent in another Hotel.
That evening we felt bad twas the dinner that
we had, at Hotel Quentin...
at the breakfast we won't show up,
coz we don't want to throw up anymore,
and we knew we'de done wrong from the stink
and the pong & the feeling that something
wasn't right...
CHORUS
on your honeymoon or on your holiday,
you're gonna need a place to stay
take our advice the Quentin is not nice,
if you see the Hotel Quentin stay away...
CHORUS

NOW CAN COMPARE TO SUNDERLAND FINE FARE
If you can't afford to spend a lot
and you're sick of the cost of livin,
you've got to do something but you dunno what,
just look what Fine Fare's givin,
prices that please you and me
it's cheaper than a Pakistani shop
oh now you know the place to go
to make you smile and grin,
so take a dare come to Fine Fare
and get your shoppin in
CHORUS:
We've got the store, nowt can compare,
We've got the store for you.
We've got the store, Sunderland's Fine Fare,
We've got the store for you
This is the store for you..
Oh Prestos, Tescos, Asda Price
they're all so cccrap
the Fine Fare boys are much more nice
coz Fine Fare's got more class.
You'll save much more at the Fine Fare store
coz Fine Fare's fair to you
Oh now you know the place to go...
CHORUS

NEVILLE IS A NERD
We all believed that Neville
was a f f f fine lad
but when we go to know him better
Neville drove us mad.
Neville is a bighead
Neville is a pain
Neville is a pratt without a brain
CHORUS:
What a wally, what a burk
he sticks out like a sore thumb
he's a wally, he's a jerk
nobody can be as dumb
Neville's a hopeless case
he can never pull a bird
Neville's thick and he's got a pig face
Neville is a nutter, Neville is nerd
oh Neville is a nutter, Neville is....
Neville is a nerd.
Neville gets on your wick
Neville is a moron
Neville makes you sick
oh Neville is a Neville is a nerd
Oh Neville's wearing Aramus
and a little touch of Brut,
he thinks he will pick up a chick
in his white trendy suit,
sunglasses in the disco
Nev can't see too clear
he's such a burk, he trips and
spills his beer
CHORUS
Neville's nice to all the girls
but it's just a bluff
Neville thinks he's Jack the lad
but he's just a trendy puff.
He says he's been to Tenerife
and he knows Simon le Bon,
but it's a codswallop
coz Neville is a con
CHORUS

PARK LANE PUNCH UP
Oh sittin in the Taxi rank in Park Lane
in comes a trendy geazer with no brain,
and staring at a punk who was a good mate,
I said lets make a move but it was too late
CHORUS:
Up goes a shout, a rumble in the crowd
a fight breaks out, someone starts clouting me,
call in the Army oooh
call in the Army
call in the Army oooh
call in the Army...
The Park Lane punch up escalates
somebody's teeth have gone
it's too much for the coppers
there's a RIOT going on, so
call in the Army, call in the Army...
Park Lane quickly turns into a bloothbath
a disco boy lies unconcious on the red path,
Coppers helmets knocked off in the gutter
all because of a trendy towny nutter
CHORUS

THE ASHBROOKE LAUNDERETTE.... YOU'LL STINK, YOUR CLOTHES
SHRINK, YOUR WHITE'SLL BE AS BLACK AS INK
I didn't have a spin dryer so I had to go
he didn't have a spin dryer so he had to go
with his dirty socks and undies o, o, o, o, oh
to the cleaners on the corner, but how was I to know
they'de be more dirty at 3:30 oooooh
CHORUS:
Rub a dub a dub dub we wash and scrub
we wash your laundry,
Rub a dub a dub dub we wash your laundry..
They say my clothes are cleaner
but I'm not a lunatic
they should be shot they have not got
Per-sil Auto-matic
Rub a dub a dub rub a dub a dub dub...
So many things go missing at the Ashbrooke Launderette
so many things go missing at the Ashbrooke Launderette
the clothes that you have left dirty and wet
So if you want some washing done
d, d, d, d, don't forget,
you'll suffer at the Ashbrooke Lauderette...
CHORUS
You'll stink, your clothes shrink
your white'sll be as black as ink
your best red jumper turns to pink
all crumpled up and wet
We've been, have you been
to get your dirty washing clean
Are you clean you couldn't have been
to the Ashbrooke Launderette...

WAKEY WAKEY

LESTER FIDDLED THE TAX MAN
Yeahhhhhh:
Under Under Starters Under Starters orders & there off Tallyho!
4-1 3-1 2-1 The bettin's on, LESTER NICKS OFF TO RIO
He got more, got more than he bargained for, Lester's accountant was a daft clot
He's upset, upset, that's what you get, he made a mockery of Ascot Ascot Ascot
CHORUS:
Lester, Lester, a fiddliddliddling jester
LESTER'S BEEN BANGED UP WITH ALL THE OTHER CCCCCROOKS
Lester, Lester, tried to trick the tax inspector
COZ LESTER CONNED THE TAX & FIDDLED HIS BOOKS.
He's a nutcase, nutcase, crackpot nutcase, he put his job in jeopardy
Now he won't be, won't be, won't be, won't be RACING AGAIN AT AINTREE
He'll get away, get away, get away, get away, he must o' been livin' in dreamland
Now he's never on, never on, never on, never on...
World of Sport or Grandstand Grandstand Grandstand.
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
He laughs, he laughs, he sniggers & laughs, when he thinks of the money he earns
But he got knicked, got nicked , got nicked, WHEN HE SENT HIS TAX RETURNS
Grinning, grinning, always winning, he never thought he would be poor
Now he's locked up, locked up, locked up, locked up, Doing time in...
Dartmoor, Dartmoor, Dartmoor.
CHORUS

POT BELLY BILL
The Gas supply has been cut off, the tele's on the blink
Billy stinks, he drinks & spews up in the kitchen sink
He's sick of his bleedin' life, & he's gonna smack the wife in the jaw
Billy Mrs cleans and scrubs while Billy's down the boozer
But she's had a belly full now Billy's gonna lose her
She's in her dressing gown, Billy's breaking down the bedroom door
CHORUS:
POT... POT BELLY BILL: A Big fat dirty lout
A pig & a layabout
POT... POT BELLY BILL: A fowl gob that's never shut
A fat slob with a beer gut.
POT POT POT BELLY BILL
He's such a hog at tea time, he shovels down his grub
He burps & makes rude noises, then he nicks off down the pub
Between you & me, & Billy's Mrs will agree, he's a swine
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
It's closing time at the local, & he stumbles out the bar
The drunken lump forgets to switch the lights on in his car
But Billy is a darer, he did not see the Sierra round the bend.
1/2 an hour latter Billy's hospitalised, "Tell the wife to bring some cans in
with the grapes" He cries.
But she's seen the light, she said "Serve the fat slob right, I hope he DIES"
CHORUS

ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW (& WE'LL BE RUSSIAN HOME!)
We had to book a holiday, but we were sick o'Whitley bay
We fancied the Mediterranean.
All the vacancies had gone, that's all the vacancies but one
A Vacancy for which we didn't plan.
WHAT COULD WE DO? WE COULD HITCH, A RIDE BACK HOME FROM MOSKVITCH
WE HAD TO STAY & FACE THE COST & SUNBATHE IN THE RUSSIAN FROST.
CHORUS:
One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW, & WE'LL BE RUSSIAN HOME
One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW
I'll be Russian, YOU'LL BE RUSSIAN, WE'LL ALL BE RUSSIAN HOME
The brochure said it's nice & warm, you need no Russian uniform
We had the flu & caught a Russian cough,
No fish n'chips or decent pubs, We called the hotel Wormwood Scrubs
We said we would complain to Gorbochof.
WE COULDN'T FIND A DISCO ANYWHERE, NO McDONALDS OR A WIMPY IN RED SQUARE
WE MUST HAVE BEEN POTTY TO HAVE GONE TO THE SOVIET UNION.
CHORUS
For a pint & Coronation Street
RUSSIAN HOME
A Bacon Sarny & as much as we can eat
RUSSIAN HOME
GUITAR BIT

CLOUGHY IS A BOOTBOY!

Cloughy's lads are full o' gloom, coz Cloughy's in the changin' room
Why can't he nick off & leave them be?
He screams & yells & just because, Cloughy knows that he's the boss
Cloughy's rough & tough Cloughy's barmy
Cloughy's in a huff & tense, Cloughy's teeth begin to clench
A Cloughy fan asks for his autograph... "Can yer sign this Brian?"
He nuts him first & smacks him next, nobody makes Cloughy vexed
Cloughy is the chief Cloughy's the Gaffa
Cloughy is a football hooligan, now cloughy's only at his prime
With his fist in yer nose when the referee blows full time
CHORUS:
Brian Brian KICKS & SLAPS & HE SHOUTS Oi!
Brian Brian CLOUGHY IS A BOOTBOY
The judge tells Cloughy to keep calm, he's up for Grevous Bodily Harm
Cloughy stands and begins to YELL
Cloughy must have a screw loose coz Cloughy says he's gonna cruc..
ify the cops when he gets out the cell
CLOUGHY IS A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN.... CHORUS.... GUITAR BIT
CLOUGHY IS A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN.... CHORUS
He kicks & slaps, he thumps & cracks, he nuts & smacks and shouts Oi!

DAVEY'S TOOK THE PLUNGE

Davey's life has changed dramatically, now
We warned him but the daft puff couldn't see
Jack the Lad, but he's lost his credibility now
He's took the plunge now he lives in misery
CHORUS:
DAVEYYYYYYYYY Had no choice when the vicar's voice put him on the spot
DAVEYYYYYYYYY Davey's got hitched, Davey's been stitched up, Dave's a clot
Davey's not the Davey that I knew, now He stays at home with the Mrs, & he never goes out
Davey does what she tells him to do, now
SHE'S A BAG that nags, it's about time he gave her a clout
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Davey's anniversary is due now
His face is as long as the river Nile
Davey will not admit that it's true, now
He's been cheesed off since he walked up the aisle
CHORUS

THERE'S A TROLLOP UP ELMWOOD STREET

I'd walk across the M.1.
I'd trek through the Amazon
I'd be a spanish matador, nowt would be too risky for me
I'd loop the loop in a Jumbo
I'd box with Frankie Bruno
I could do anything, dance in a lions den

But I'm never gonna walk up elmwood street again
CHORUS:
There's a slag, there's a trollop up elmwood street
A man's not safe to walk up there alone
A dirty bag, there's a trollop up elmwood street
There's a tart, bag, slut, slag, trollop, up Elmwood Street
I'd fence with a sword that was blunt
I'd hitch a lift from James Hunt
I could do anything....
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT.... CHORUS
Say no more.

NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO

Ridin' along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
My curiosity runnin' wild
Crusin' n' playin' the radio o o
With no particular place to go.
Ridin'along in a Mini Metro
She said to me she loves me so, LOVES ME SO, LOVES ME SO
She smiled at me and looked so sweet
I thought I was in for a treat, IN FOR A TREAT, IN FOR A TREAT
My happy face began to glow ow ow
With no particular, no particular, no particular place to go
SOLO
CHORUS:
There's no particular place to go, there's no particular place to go
There's no particular, no particular, no particular place to go
SAME + To go there's no particular place to go, there's no particular place
Particular place, Particular place, Particular, ticular place
REPEAT TWICE CHORUS
Temperature's risin' really quick, really quick, really quick
Then she says she gets car sick, car sick oh no!
She said her love for me was true, truely true, truely true
She jumped in the back and began to spew,
Ridin' along & feeling low ow ow ow ow ow ow
With no particular place to go.
CHORUS

POVERTY PLEADIN' PETER

Peter's moanin' groanin' moanin', he can't pay his rent
But we've all seen Peter's bank statement
He says he's broke, he must be joking, he's doin' fine
It's no secret, pete's a lucky swine
Peter's on his water bed & peter says he's skint
But we all know that peter's made a mint.
CHORUS:
Peter's pleadin' poverty, he can't fool me
Coz peter lives in luxury, he's got...... Loadsa Money!
Peter's got nowt, he's down & out, he tells me & you
But he signs in his BMW
He's got no bread, that's what Pete said, he can't make ends meet
Peter panics in his penthouse suite
What colour yacht should peter buy? Peter can't decide which
But it's no problem coz peter's filthy rich.
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT... CHORUS
HE'S GOT.... A LOAD O' DOSH.

BLAZE OF THE BOROUGH

Jimmy's running short o' cash, the bar takings have took a crash
Jimmy can't think what to do, the bills in from the local breweryyyy Oi!
Jim's a nutcase round the twist, Jimmy is an arsenist
Jimmy thinks nowt of the cost & sets alight to his own hosterlryyyyy
CHORUS:
Flames grow high, in the blaze of the borough
Jimmy fried. In the blaze of the borough
The blaze of the borough
Hey!
Windows cracked & bottles broke, the bar & lounge were full o' smoke
Things would soon look bright n' sunny when Jim claims the insurance money back
Oi! Jimmy's a crackpot, he forgot, he was trapped inside, the clot
A ring of flames with Jimmy in the middle, he'd cocked up his insurance fiddleoo
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Flames grow high. Flames grow high, in the borough ohhhhh
Jimmy fried. Oh yes he fried, in the borough ohhhhh
CHORUS

FAT BOB'S FEET

FAT BOB'S FEET

Fat Bob does not wash or scrub
He's never seen a bath tub before
When will Fat Bob use the sink?
We can't face the fat bob stink no more!
CHORUS:
A killer pong on a gateshead street
50 drop deady... Bobby bobby
Quick quick quick it's fat bob's feet
There's nowt more deadly.
Fat Bob's not cleaned his socks yet
He's not been to the launderette before
Spray Fat Bob's feet with fungicide
He's wiped out two thirds of tyneside or more
Chorus... Guitar bit...
Tyne & Wear have got the blues
The end is nigh on the Look North news
Fat Bob's taken off his shooooooes
CHORUS
It only takes one wiff.

WE QUIT THE CAVALRY

We fight fot the Queen & country & we're back here again
Over the hills to the battlefield 10 thousand marching men
We never say surrender butnow we must admit
Shove the rotten regement we're off on a moonlight flit
Ho tally ho! The battle cry oh! We're off down the pub
Ho tally ho! A pint & decent grub.
CHORUS:
Down in the valley we can see
The men marching for victory
We'll skip the blood on the battlefield
Stuuf all the bravery... Coz we quit the cavalry.
We're shot injured & wounded, they call us men of war
It's too noisy & dirty & we can't take no more
No bath or battlefield shower & people say we're brave
But now we're gonna do a bunk for a decent wash n' shave
HO TALLY HO!.... CHORUS
SHOOT DON'T SHOOT This is not the life for me
SHOOT DON'T SHOOT It's not my cup o' tea.
GUITAR BIT... HO!... CHORUS

THE SPHINX STINKS

The grub was vile, we couldn't crack a smile
We paid twenty smackers just to sail up the nile
It cos ten quid..
To get stuck inside a pppppyramid.
I'd rather be in Hawaii, cleethorpes or southend
You won't catch us on the Egypt bus again again again.
CHORUS:
The... Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
They do not care on egypt air
Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
In cai i i i ro
The Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks
You will get ripped off in egypt oh!
The hotel room filled us with gloom
We should o' spent the night in a mummy's tomb
A camel ride...
Another ten smackers and a numb backside.
I'd rather be... CHORUS... GUITAR BIT... CHORUS

RODNEY'S MEMORY

CHORUS:
RODNEY REMEMBER ME, RODNEY REMEMBER ME....
SHE HAUNTS RODNEY'S MEMORY
Rodney gave Sheila a slap when she begged him not to drink
"Mind yer own damn bussiness" Rodney snarled, he didn't think
Now everything from then is blurred but Rodney can't forget those words
She cried....
CHORUS
Now Rodney was a slob, he treat Sheila just like muck
"Move yourself" he growled and dragged her to his pick-up truck
He looped the loop in a drunken stuper down the mountain side
When Sheila cried.....
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
OH! Rodney took her in his arms and through the broken glass
He climbed out of the wreckage & he lay her on the grass
He had too many beers, but he couldn't hide the tears
When Sheila cried.....
CHORUS

BITTEN BY A BED BUG!

Was it something that I spilt on my new continental quilt or what?
Could it have been a bad dream that creptin bed & made me scream or what?
What attracted such a beast, why did it want to make a feast of me?..
CHORUS:
Bug bug a bug a bed bug
A bug a bug a bug a bug bugger than a bumble bee
Bug bug a bug a bed bug
A bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug bit me!
In a night of misery.
Was it coz the chocolate sweets I ate last night between the sheets or what?
What could it be that made me frown, the biscuit crumbs on my night gown or what?
A nit in neen of nourishment, it got inside the bed & went for me.
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Was it coz I was dirty that it took a fancy to me or what?
I jumped up sweating with fright, oh will it take another bite or what?
I felt the fangs rip thru my vest, the mattress monster was digesting me!
CHORUS

KIDS IN TYNE & WEAR

Lookin' out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city go rushing by
We sit here with no dosh and wonder why?
Should we catch the bus to Newcastle, we can't be bothered with the hassle
going down, to search for some bread in this dirty town.
Down down it really is no joke, down town everybody is broke...
CHORUS:
We're the kids in tyne & wear wooo
We're the kids in tyne & wear wooo
Everybody lives in the hope o' some cash!
Bright light & music gets faster, in the disco we can't afford to have a dance
We could never pay two quid, not a chance
Pig sick, down the Job Center, much later we will be thinking never mind
you know life is cruel, life is never kind.
Find time to earn an extra bob, find time to do a fiddle job.
CHORUS... NA NA NA....
Looking round the Metro Centre, gotta get a brand new experience feeling rich
We can't stop, we're skint and we've got the itch.
Sunderland South Shields & Gateshead, not a bleedin' chance to make bread
anywhere, We don't want to go baby.
Whitley bay across to cumbria, you'll be broke if you come 'ere.

FRANKIE'S GOT THE BLUES

Frankie says that he's got vertigo
He says this everytime he leaves the pub, blotto.
Backaches, bellyaches, earaches & migrains
Frankie's life is misery & full of aches n' pains.
CHORUS:
Frankie's got the blues.. Frankie's neurotic, he's always feeling pig sick
Frankie's got the blues.. You will have to excuse, frankie's got the blues
Frankie sneezes once then goes to bed
"I've got double pneumonia" Frankie said
Frankie lives in the doctors surgery
Everytime he has a shave he waits in casualty
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
"They say I am a hypercondriac", condriac condriac
"But I have got Yellow fever, that's a fact"
A blue bottle landed on Frankie's head, frankie's head... frankie's head
"Right, that's it, I've got Malaria I'll soon be dead".
CHORUS

A BUNCH O'FAIRIES

Kick his head, smash his face & do a bunk with his brief case
Shoplifting for a lark, walk on the grass in the park
In the restaurant loads o' nosh, stuff yer face & leave no dosh
We are skint but we're alright, a different burglary each night
No little blue light, there's not a copper in sight no more..
CHORUS:
You can commit any crime you please
You won't get nicked in sunderland, the coppers are softies
They hide when there's a thief or rogue at large
When they get hit they run & tell the sarge... A bunch o' fairies
Rob a bank, get some bread or be a pickpocket instead
A torch a swag bag with a crow bar, gettaway in a stolen car
Break in to the town hall, spray graffiti on the wall
If you're drunk and disorderly, then Sunderland's the place to be
You won't get me, down werside contabulary
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Run Buck naked in the street, there ain't a bobby on the beat
Raid the local jewellery store, no one to stop you break the law
The bobby's get sore, but there's no constables round here no more
CHORUS

YELLOW BURT

Yellow burt, the softest copper round 'ere
Yellow burt, a coward, a whimp, that's clear
Are your p.c. friends on the beat again
That is very sad, makes me feel so bad
Knock his helmet off, kick n' slap the puff
He's a yellow belly
Burt's a bleedin' softy...
REPEAT!

BACK IN '79

Just like we had ffffeared, the mates we had have all dissapeared
Nicky, Flip, Paul, Fat Bob and Ted, they all done a bunk & all got wed
Out with the lads for a laugh and a beer, those days are no longer 'ere
With a lump in yer throat & a shiver down yer spine
They're the memories of 1979
CHORUS:
Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be
1979
Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be
back in '79
Flip a punk sssuddenly aged, he sold his leather jacket just to get engaged
Bobby was a skinhead, but Bobby's hair grew, all for a bird who made him bbblue
We never thought we'de see the day, teddy with a mrs in the family way
Oh what went wrong? Things were just fine,
So take me back to 1979
CHORUS... GUITAR BIT
Freddie was a free bloke fffull o' life, now Freddie is a bag o' misery with a wife
Everynight George hit the town, by 8'o clock now he's in his dressing gown
They ain't the lads we knew before, you don't see them down the pub no more
They're discontented mates o' mine who wanna be back in 1979.

THE COPPERS COPT KEN'S CASH

He was a rich man, he was a sod
Income tax thief known as ken dodd
Lock him up dump Doddy in the nick
A greedy pig with a tickling stick
Not content in the super tax bracket
1/2 a mill in the pocket of his jacket
He climbed up stairs to hide away the bread
1/2 a million smackers under Ken's bed.
OO OO OO He dodged the Inland Revenue
A Liverpudlian with loads o' loot
He didn't declare it, he didn't give a hoot!
CHORUS:
KEN KEN, Who's he again?
A dissapointment to the diddymen
KEN KEN, Had the upper hand
Now he'll never expand on his 500 grand
KEN KEN, had a load o' cash
Till the cops copt Ken in notty hash.
The cops crept in to where Ken slept
They knew where ken's cash was kept
Doddy then had to confess
The dosh was under his mattress
OOO... CHORUS... GUITAR

TURTLE CRAZY

I've got a little brother his christian name is Sid,
Ever since he saw the turtles he's flipped his lid.
He's always scoffing pizzas just like Leonardo,
Donatello Raphael and Michaelangelo
Turtles, Turtles...
He loves the Teenage Turtles he's collecting all their stuff,
T-shirts, books and badges he can never get enough.
Spending every penny on all that he can find
If it has a turtle on, he's going out of his mind....
CHORUS:
Turtle crazy, he's turtle mad,
The turtles they have taken away the little bit sense he had,
In a turtle outfit you really have to laugh,
He wears it every night and day and even in the bath.
He's acting like a madman, he's acting like a clown,
The Teenage Mutant Turtles are coming to our town.
He bought a plastic Turtle to keep up with the trend,
He dropped it down the toilet now he's going round the bend....
Tutles on his dressing gown and on the bedroom wall,
Turtles on his vest and his underpants and all....
CHORUS
Turtle crazy, he's Turtle mad,
The turtles they have taken away the little bit sense he had.
In a turtle outfit you really have to laugh,
He wears it every night and day and even in the bath....

ABSURD-DITTIES

I'M A TELLY ADDICT!

I don't need a doctor, I don't need a drugstore
I don't need an injection, I need to put the telly on.
Got me in a cold sweat, I don't need no cigarette
Sh sh sh shakin' like a jelly fish, I need a satellite dish
There's no doubt that I miss nowt, a TV I can't do without
Anything you get on yer television set I'll watch it...
CHORUS:
I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I'm a telly, I'm a telly, telly I'm addicted
Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted
I like to keep a step ahead, a TV in the garden shed
& with a telly in the bog, I never miss the epilogue
Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party
Celebrity squares, blind date, who cares, I'll watch it...
I'm a telly...(guitar bit)
It's no surprise I've got square eyes, anyone could predict
I'm TV mad, I'm a telly addict!
I'm a man in great pain, the box is on the blink again
I don't need no morphine, I need a television screen
Documentaries, there's no degrees, I'll even watch a film
if it's
in Chinese
A speech from the Queen, though I'm not very keen. I'll
watch it...
I'm a telly...
Coz I'm addicted

TERRY TALKING

Terry is a recluse, he's a misfit
Terry never goes out, he's a hermit
A lonely lonely dude
Terry won't answer the phone or the door
& we don't see Terry no more
No-one can contact Terry anymore
A life of solitude
CHORUS:
Hello.... this is Terry talking
Terry talking, talking all alone
Hello... this is Terry Talking
on the answer phone... Terry's not at home
Terry is a plonker, Terry is a nut
Locked in the house with the curtains shut
No-one can contact Terry...
Hello... (guitar bit)
Hello...

ERNIE HAD AN HERNIA

Too much nosh & too much booze
He spent all night in the bog with the blues
An aching head, intoxicated
He didn't even know he was constipated
He forced & he frowned, he pushed & he stained
But on the toilet seat he remained
He let out a shout as he passed out
& his gut was rearranged
No walks in the park, no drinks, no grub
He can't embark on a trip to the pub
He sits in the dark, and says don't trouble me
COUNTERPOINT CHORUS:
No one sees he's a ruptured man
He can't sneeze like you normally can
They're all mean, they're all riff raff
He turns green when they make him laugh
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie
Ernie had a. Ernie had a...
Hernia, a hernie...
He had a hernia
He can't stand up, her can't lie flat
The torment in his tummy preventing that
He can't sit down, can't go anywhere
The devil in his belly proving too much to bear
He can't go out & he can't stay in
Oh what's it all about? He just can't win
No chance of a bath or to see the lavatory for him
Ernie had a...(guitar bit)
Ernie never smiles & he dare not grin
An aggravating abdomen wearing him thin
Ernie had a hernia but he did not give in
Ernia had a...
He had a hernia

MY WIFE'S A PSYCHOPATH!

I couldn't wait for my blind date, I did not sleep that night
could I catch the perfect match, would she be Mrs Right!?
A quiet lass so middle class, dignified, meek & mild?
I faced the wrath of a Psychopath & a woman that went wild
Before too long it all went wrong, she wern't the one for me
But I was trapped when I got slapped by a raving loony
She got mean, she caused a scene, I said "You're not my type"
But I gave in, how could I win? As she threw another swipe...ferocoiusly
CHORUS:
My wife's a psychopath. Throws a fit then she hides in the bathroom
My wife's a psychopath.Aooeee
My wife's a psychopath.Always on the warpath
After me, mentally deranged!
I'm black & blue, I said "We're through" I'm cuts n'scrapes n'scars
She clenched her fist, I ducked, she missed, so I kicked her up the arse!
She yelled & squealed as I revealed I had learnt some self defence
I smashed her face in, just incase, coz I hate violence...it's not for me
My wife's an psychopath...(guitar bit)
Psycho...Psycho...she's a bleedin' Psycho...
Fade

SOD THE NEIGHBOURS

Rant n' rave, don't give a toss, show the snobs next who's boss
Turn the volume to size ten, they 'll never speak to you again
Sod the Sod the Sod the
Sod the Sod the Sod the
CHORUS:
Sod the neighbours, we're not proud,
turn it up loud, turn it up loud
Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in,
drive "em mad with the bleedin' din
Party all night, don't care less,
show them that you mean business
Scream, cause turmoil & get yer neighbours blood to boil!
Sod the neighbours...(guitar bit)
Sod the neighbours...

MELANCHOLY MARGARET

Nobby was a soldier, a life in the Army
Margarets back home alone waiting suspiciously
She can't hide the misery, the upset & despair
When she found out Nobby had been having it off elsewhere
There's Eric & there's Robby & there's Derrick & there's Bobby
They gave her the elbow
There's Harry & there's Willy & there's Barry & there's Billy also
Whose that then?
CHORUS:
Woe is me, I'm melancholy Margaret, I fret coz they leave me
God help me I'm melancholy. Snurree?!
Tommy was a driver he worked on the buses
"I've got some overtime to do" this is what he says
But Margaret wasn't having it, she searched high & low
But Tommy's gone he's neckin' on in the back of the bus depot
There's Ronnie & there's Kenny & there's Donny & there's Denny
they gave her the elbow.
There's Ronnie & there's Timmy & there's Micky & there's Jimmy also
Whose that then?
Woe is me...(guitar bit)
Woe is me...

ALEC'S GONE

Out in the courtyard, cold & it's so hard
Now Betty's crying, she wants to die
Coz it's over, die, but she...
Knows that her grieving, it's not achieving
What Bet's believing, he will return
CHORUS:
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone
Away oo oo oo gone away oo oo ooo
Down in The Rovers, Bet can't get over
What he said to her, he will return
Alecs gone...
He's gone, done a bunk (guitar bit)
Betty's still dreaming, inside she's screaming
Out for the day that he will return
Alecs gone...

WHEN YOU'RE JIMMY SAVILLE

Jimmy lives his life for charity
Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E.
Everybody depends on Jimmy
Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off
Jimmy reckons they've all enough
If they want Jim it's tough
CHORUS:
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville
Woooooo
Everybody thinks yer brill
Think yer brill
But Jim'll Fix It's to be done
Woooooo
Then that bleedin' Great North Run
The Great North Run
No it's never too much fun for James
Jimmy does get up at 4:30
But Jimmy does not get time for breaky
He's not complaining, Jimmy's training
Somebody's sponsoring Jim again
So Jimmy bites his tongue & counts to ten
"Oh stuff this" Jimmy snarles
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville...
For James there's no time off, Jimmy's in deep
For James there ain't no sleep
(guitar bit)
When you're... Jimmy, Jimmy Saville oo oo Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville
Howza 'bout that then guys & gals

CAUGHT UP THE REEPERBAHN!

I was feeling blue, she made me feel guilty
When I took that trip to Deutscheland, Germany
She said I am a man, keep out of the Reeperbahn, mind you
Nick off is what I said, I'll please myself instead
& you can drop down dead, to Hamburg I am headed
I don't want no debates, now I'm off with me mates.
Toodle oo
I said stuff you!
CHORUS:
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed...
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said "Don't go there man"
Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn
I told her to trust me, I agree in honesty
Believe me she did not, she knew I was a sex pot
I did not feel at ease when I left the strip-tease,
I screamed as she seized me!
CHORUS.... GUITAR BIT
It was just a laugh, I said don't be so strict
I did not tell her what went on up the red light district
You're all the same you men, you better say auf wiedersehen
Coz you won't be comin" here again!
Reeperbahn...
Caught up the Ree...
perbahn.

DEZ THE DEMON DECORATOR

Brighten up you home, it said in the advert
All your decorating done by an expert
How the hell was I to know he's such a dirty sod
I wanted subtle shades, maybe something duller
There's paint on the chairs & the dogs a different colour
I'm the only bloke I know that does have a day-glo scullery...
CHORUS:
Dez the demon...never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee
Dez the demon...never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me
Dez the demon decorator
He split a tin o'gloss coz he's a clumsy swine
"I'll paint the carpet pink, I've got no turpentine"
Pink footprints everywhere reminding me
The neighbours came for tea & they began to frown
The wallpaper was cock-eyed, flowers upside down
What the flippen 'ecks that decorating clown done now...
CHORUS.... GUITAR BIT
Dez the demons deed is done, my house is an eye-sore
Bumps & Lumps in the wallpaper, paint splashed on the floor
I won't be calling Dez the demon, won't be calling Dez the demon
I won't be calling Dez the demon decorator anymore...
CHORUS

When You're Jimmy Saville

Jimmy lives his life for charity
Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E.
Everybody depends on Jimmy
Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off
Jimmy reckons they've all enough
If they want Jim it's tough
[Chorus:]
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville
Woooooo
Everybody thinks yer brill
Think yer brill
But Jim'll Fix It's to be done
Woooooo
Then that bleedin' Great North Run
The Great North Run
No it's never too much fun for James

Jimmy does get up at 4:30
But Jimmy does not get time for breaky
He's not complaining, Jimmy's training
Somebody's sponsoring Jim again
So Jimmy bites his tongue & counts to ten
"Oh stuff this" Jimmy snarles
Coz when you're Jimmy Saville...
For James there's no time off, Jimmy's in deep
For James there ain't no sleep
[guitar bit]
When you're...
Jimmy, Jimmy Saville oo oo Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville
Howza 'bout that then guys & gals

ORCASTRATED

POLTERGEIST IN THE PANTRY

I felt like a snack in the middle of the night
I crept down stairs for a nibble and a bite, ooee ooee
A crash beyond the kitchen door
Told me that it was back for more, ooee ooee
You might o' guessed, I am possessed
I really must insist
May I suggest invest in an exorcist.
CHORUS:
Help me, oo ee
oo ee, believe me
geist ooo ooo poltergeist ooo ooo
where's he?...
in the pantry.
I went goose pimplyfied
No where to run, no where to hide, for me
I was sceptical before
But a pantry poltergeist I saw here to stay.
CHORUS: Guitar time/You might o' guessed...
CHORUS & In the pantry...Poltergeist...
END

PLEASE RELEASE ME / "DARLING I LOATHE YOU"

When I met you, I thought how sweet,
My lonely life would now be complete
If only I knew, have I no brain?
You're a two faced tramp, driving me insane.
CHORUS:
Dearest darling, I leave this note for you
A love letter with sincerity
Dearest darling, I leave this note for you
Get out o'my life, get out o'my life
Coz I...loathe you
You smiled at me, she smiled at him
My heart melted, his heart melted
This was the real thing, this was the real thing
I'm besotted, he's besotted
What a nincompoop, you're the devil in a frock
I'm a naive nugget, and you made me a laughing stock
CHORUS
GUITAR TIME/CHORUS.

TAKEN FOR A MUG

Everybody says I'm a gully ully ullible guy
Everybody sniggers & laughs when they pass by
A love sick nut easily misled
He's always infatuated
Birds all do with me just as they please
& they all say I'm a cissy with weak knees
Everybody knows...
CHORUS:
Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again
Mug he's a mug he's been taken for a ride
Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again
Taken taken taken taken taken taken taken for a ride
I let women walk all over me
I should tell them nick off politely
A spineless sucker with no back bone
He ain't got no mind of his own
A soft touch, I am far too long to trick me
CHORUS/(GUITAR BIT)
I'm too vulnerable my mates say
A dimwit any dame can lead astray, ay
Everybody knows...CHORUS(2x)
He's been taken for a mug

ANY DREAM WILL DO

I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain, what I thought I knew
Far far away, someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping, any dream will do
I wore my coat, with golden lining
Bright colours shinning, wonderful & new
And in the East, the dawn was breaking
The world was waking, any dream will do
A crash of drums, a flash of light
My golden coat flew outta sight
The colours faded into darkness, I was left alone
May I return, to the beginning
The light is dimming, and the dream is too
The world & I, we are still waiting
Still hhhhesitating, any dream will do
A crash...The world & I...

HARRY'S HANDS

Harry's hands are hands of mystery
Connected to all calamities
Harry's hands are hands of mystery
They're accused of all burgiaries
Harry's hands ain't what they used to be
Harry's hands can't take anymore
Harry's hands are hands of honesty
It's a tragedy
CHORUS:
And nobody understands,that Harry's
handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused
They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell
And put the blame, they put the blame on...
Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo
Harry's hands ain't what they were before
The coppers call Harry a criminal
Honest Harry, he never broke the law
It's a tragedy
CHORUS
Judge:"Harold Hands, you are an habitual criminal,
I therefore sentence you to 125 years imprisonment"
Guitar bit/CHORUS
Harry's hands oo oo

DAVID'S XR2

"David Man, yer hav'n't finished yer tea"
"It doesn't matter, I can't wait to drive my XR2"
"Oh David, don't drive fast David"
"See ya!"
"David, David...DAVID!"
I don't wanna be alive, if I ain't on the road
Wheels off the ground the speed o'sound, stuff the Highway Code
Electric windows down, sound system, size ten
What a prat they say "That boys racers back again"
CHORUS:
The engine soared as he got fasta
He bought a Ford Fiesta
He can't wait to accelerate
In his jet car, X R...2
I never leave my XR2, of that there ain't no fear
The only time, is when I'm watching Top Gear
40 fog lamps on the front, twin spoilers, I agree
The meanest man on the Autobahn, nobody gets past me
CHORUS
The engine soared as he got fasta
He bought a Ford Fiesta
Upside down, the wheels spun round
On his jet car, XR...2
"He's driving me MAAAAAAAD"

POT LUCK PERCY

I would rather be Percy, rather than me
I wanna be Percy
I would rather be Percy, rather than me
Percy's got more money, more money than me
I wish I could be Percy
I would rather be Percy rather than me...Rather than me...
CHORUS:
We wanna be, wanna be wanna be
We all wanna be you
We all wanna be, wanna be wanna be
Percy we wanna be you
Percy says that he's no more lucky than me
How can he be serious
Percy is more lucky, more lucky than me
Percy's got more girlies, more girlies than me
I'm full o'jealousy
He could spare a girlie, one girlie for me...girlie for me...
CHORUS:
He wins when he bets on the bandit,
He spends all night in the bingo hall
He's lucky in the bookies, & you'll always hear him call...house
CHORUS...Percy we wanna be..you

IVY'S LURID LIPS

Looking at her reflection,
Ivy thought, I'll shock Don
When I get my face lift, when I get my face lift done,
You'll see, Don is gonna want to snog with me
But they all grimace, an insult to the human race
A wifey with Mick Jagger's face
CHORUS:
Lurid lips, Ivy's...lurid lips Ivy's
Ivy's, Ivy's lips are a bleedin' disgrace
Lurid lips, Ivy's...lurid lips Ivy's
Ivy Brennans gotta chipmunks
Ivy's lips gotta chipmunks face
Ivy took the chance
Ordered her lip implants
Now she worships her kingsize lips
But her three grand gob
Cost Ivy her job
Now Ivy's lost her loot
Ivy is destitute
Ivy's lips got Ivy the boot
CHORUS/guitar bit/Ivy Ivy...
CHORUS...Lurid lips...

THE PSYCHOSURGERY

I'd have a hysterectomy, I'd have a blood transfusion
I'd even have a vasectomy, with no trousers on
Spend a month in the infirmary, operate on me night & day
But my dentures disappear everytime I hear them say
Psycho, psychosurgery
CHORUS:
Let me out, Let me out
Dumped in the dentists chair
Psyiiicho surgery, psiiicho surgery
Let me out, Let me out
I'm in agony, I must be dumb, I should'na come
To the psychosurger, psychosurgery
I'd have a leg amputated, you can pull my appendix out
Fix a foot that's dislocated, I'll say I felt nowt
Acupuncture ain't no problem, bravery's my middle name
But I just can't face that lang filling place again
Psycho, psychosurgery
CHORUS/guitar time/
I'll never set foot down that dental nutters lane...again
CHORUS...Let me out

RON DIXON DUMPED D-D

Na na na
D-D's got a horses head, enough to make yer sick
How could Ron Dixon have wed Red Rum with lipstick
The most repulsive sight on earth, to ugly to discuss
How could anyone give birth to a bird so hideous
CHORUS:
Ron Dixon, Ron Dixon he,
Ron Dixon he, dumped D-D
Ron Dixon, Ron Dixon he,
Ron Dixon he, dumped D-D
D-D she could not believe when Bev got the hots for Ron
But D-D Ronny did deceive, deceitful Ron Dixon
The chance that Ron had waited for, he gave D-D the push
This was the last time Ronny saw D-D's monstrous mush
Ron Dixon...Guitar time...Ron Dixon
Ron Dixon he dumped D-D...D-D

LAZY SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Wouldn't it be nice to get on with my neighbours
But they make it very clear they've got no room for ravers
CHORUS:
Lazy sunday afternoon
I got no time to worry
I close my eyes & drift away
Here we all are sittin' in a rainbow
Cor blimy 'Allo Mrs. Jones, how's your Berts lumbago'
Diddly may...
I'll sing you a song with no words & no tune
Sing in your party while you suss out the moon
CHORUS...Quiet passage
Roody Doody do, Roody doody di day
Roody Doody dum a Reedy deedy do dee
There's no one to hear me, there's nothing to say
& no one can stop me from feeling this way
CHORUS...Lazy sunday afternoon...

BOWLING BARMY

Bowling Barmy, oo oo
She's got bowling blues
Bowling socks, bowling shoes
Bowling night & day Hey
She waits miserably
Down the bowling alley
He's a bowling junky
Bowls his life away
Always, always, he's off with the bowling team
Always, always, bowling to the extreme
CHORUS:
Bowling, bowling, bowling Barmy
They yell yikes at his spares & strikes
Champ, I'm the champion
Bowling, bowling, bowling Barmy
Ten Pins down, the bowling crown
& a medal with a skittle on
Bowling Barmy
Boasting bowler, don't care
I've got trophies everywhere
He's too much to bear
Bowling barmy...
CHORUS:
Bowling Bowling Bowling Bowling Bowling Bowling Bowling
Bowling Bowling Bowling Barmy

ONE MORE MEGA BYTE

Fred Oliver | I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles | The Memory Of Nobby | She's A Leech |

FRED OLIVER

Don't want to be Sylvester Stallone - don't push me
Nev-ever gonna star in "Home Alone"
Hamlet, MacBeth, I'm crazy for King Lear
There's nothing more exciting than reciting Shakespeare
[Chorus]
Fred Olivier, to be or not to be
Fred Olivier, all for my equity
Don't want to go to Hollywood
I sit alone and read the book
I quoth Othello and I feel wick
I'm the only one who understands what I speak
[Chorus]
[Guitar Bit]
I tread the boards till it make me scream
But it was only a Midsummer Nights Dream,
There's more to life than a Shakespearean clone
All I want is fame and fortune
[Chorus]

I'M GONNA BE 500 MILES

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
[Chorus:]
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your door
When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Dream about the time when I'm with you

THE MEMORY OF NOBBY

Makes me grin makes me laugh too
makes me sad makes me blue
when I remember Nobby who,
danced a gig for me and you
to see the smiles of Nobby's styles
*
I weren't no football fan till he
Dove Ken Driddley, on TV
Mesmerized by the mastery of wee nimble Nobby
just a dream it all seemed so far away
the world took heed, and Nobby's team would pay
[Chorus]
Nobby, in our memory
hear them yell and hear them call
Nobby, in our memory
hear them shout and hear them roar
ooooooohh, the memory, of Nobby lives on
we stayed home that day to see England vs Germany
always in the memory, the sucker styles of Nobby
to feel the thrills from his stills, was uncanny
Nobby still, sends a chill through me
[Chorus]

She's A Leech

She looks so grand a one night stand maybe
I took my chance I said "let's dance baby"
How was he to know, she would never let him go
Back at my place, in an embrace, we were
And stuck together I could never leave her
If he only knew, he'd fallen for a tube o' super glue
[Chorus]
She's a leech - she's my shadow, she won't let go, NA NA NA NA
She's a leech - she's schizophrenic, she's magnetic, NA NA NA NA, stuck on me
Life's been hell since she got welded to me
I go nowhere unless she's there, ooeee
Can't escape this one, skintight fatal attraction
[Chorus]
she sucked me dry
Twas fortunate when my best mate wooed her
He's a blockhead he's been bonded to her
With his bird in bed, now she's stuck on him instead:
[chorus]

ANNIVERSARY ANTHEMS

ANNIVERSARY WALTZ

May I always listen to the anniversary waltz with you
Is this just a dream come true
an anniversary wish for you
May this be the answer to all future years
millions of heartaches and a few little tears.
May I always listen to the anniversary waltz with you

DORKAMANIA

He's a trainspotter, hes an anorak
He's a nerd, you've heard the word, a dork, a maniac
He's a pratt, hes a geek, a freak, he's one o'those
squarest tassers in the street, n' everbodys knows
It's...
DORKAMANIA, HE'S GOININSANIA
I NEVER MET A MORON WHO IS MORE MUNDANIA
DORKAMANIA, HE'S GOTT A BE BRAINIA
BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WHEN HE GETS THERE
COZ IT'S ALL
DORKAMANIA
In Ornathology, hes got a PHD
He's a master, bater, taken to the 1st degree
Grand world class chess champions,
the wally worships these
He's a bore, I've said before, AND WE ALL AGREE
It's... dorkamania
He's absurd, there ain't a bird I've heard
that he can pull
They say he's facinatin' till they date him,
then they hate him
We've never met a bloke so dull.
So the silly sad get's surfin' on the internet
Hes out to find Arsehole mate, He's found nobody yet
is there anybody out there, that will be my pal?
I don't need a nutter, just somebody abnormal
It's
Dorkamania

I Wish My Eyes Were Ernies

She looks so diviine & I can't see
Why she prefers that nerd to me
How come she ain't mine, I wanna be
I wish that I could be Ernie
'Ive got the blues, if I could choose
then I would be in Ernie's shoes ooee, Who's he... Ernie.
It would be my only chance,
if I were wearing Ernie's pants
I wish my eyes were, wish my eyes were...
I wish my eyes were Ernie's, I wish it could be true
I fantasize I have the eyes of Ernie's
to see through and
if my eyes were Ernie's, then I would not be blue
coz if my eyes were Ernie's
my eyes would be with you.
Her hands in Ernie's as she walks by
Its gone way to far
I'm shakin' at the knees, she looks so fine
how comes Ernie's bird aint mine
'with Ernie's arse & Ernie's chest
In Ernie's under-kegs n' vest
I wish my eyes were, I wish my eyes were...
I wish...
[Guitar bit]
With Ernie's hand n' Ernie's arms
I wish that I had Ernie's charms
I would never let her go, If I were only Ernie oh
I wish my eyes were... Wish my eyes were ooooo
I wish my eyes were Ernie's...

My Baby Is A Battleaxe

I gets me a night cap
She says gee, I feel crap
I shouts Oi! whats up?
Ya stink, I think yer drinkin too much
She's gone, Yippee!
I turn on, the TV
But there's a snag, coz she's a bag,
she's back to nag & torment me
[Chorus:]
Iddlely aye ay, iddley aye oh...
she makes me cringe, she makes me scream,
Iddeley aye oh, iddley aye ay.
how comes my missus is so mean
SHE'S OBSCENE.
SHE'S OBSCENE
She says get, yer hair cut
she wont let me have a hairy nut
complains, about nowt
No brains, insane shes a strain a pain
I could do without. WITHOUT
SHE'S A BA...
[Guitar bit]
Distressed, I feel blue
You've guessed
it's all down to all down to you
My baby is a battleaxe
and now there's nuthin' I can do...
[Chorus:]

What She Had With Huey

Yesterday, Huey's lips were smiling
Yesterday, when Huey was around
She would never have no fear
when she knew Huey was ere'
She still hears the sound...
Yesterday, Huey's voice a calling
Yesterday, Help me Huey cries
The day that Huey dies.
When the night grows cold and the wind blows cruelly A HA
then bitting lonely chill goes through me
And it feels so bad, so sad that OOEEE A HA
Shes never gonna have what she had with Huey.
Yesterday, She & Huey laughing
Yesterday, a life with Huey's charms
a life in Huey's arms
and the night grows cold...
[Guitar Bit]
Yesterday, Huey's heart was beating
Yesterday, she still had Huey
Yesterday, she will keep repeating
Yesterday, 'Bring Huey back to me'
'Bring me back Huey'
When the night grows cold...

Alec's Back

He'll never know why he let Betty go
through the tears, he threw the years away, oh
So long ago and he still needs her so
Alec's back oh, but Betty's gone
And I'm so blue, and I can't see
What I can do, Betty.
Dark and its cold with no Betty to hold
In the Rovers, its all over now, oh
Too late to know, if she still needs him so
Alec's back oh, but Betty's gone
And I'm so blue
and I can't see
what I can do Betty
[Guitar Bit]
and I'm so blue...
Alec's come home but Alec's still alone
No pretending it's the ending now, oh
We'll never know more of this tale of woe
coz Alec's back oh, but Betty's gone
Betty's gone...

Livin' On Newton Hall

A thousand streets of 2 bedroom semis
We always dreamed that we,d have one o'these
Oh what a pity they were built by Wimpey's
That common lot drove us round the bend
so we moved up to Durham's posh end
The likes of us don't need no council dives
This is the sound of our sorry lives
Livin' on newt on hall, Livin' on newt on hall
Where would we beif not here
Livin' on newt on hall, Livin on newt on hall
Where would we beif not here now.
Oi! Look what I've got, a new Mondeo
I polish it but it's only for show
I tell myself that were middle cla(r)ss
He walks around with his head up his arse
Livin' on newt on hall...
Newton Hall, Newton Hall
Newt on Hall
Gotta get away from
Newt on Hall
Right Now.
A thousand streets of shoe box semis
Its a nightmare livin' in one o'these
We never dreamed it would end up like this
This housing estate just takin' the piss
Livin' on newt on hall...
Livin' on newt on hall...
/B>

OUR LAST ALBUM?

THE DEATH OF BARRY THE ROOFER WITH VERTIGO

long ago with vertigo, o, o
he had a fatal accident
the balance of barry's had went
and nothing could prevent him falling off
the bu, bu, bu bungalow

the night was young and barry begun downing a pint in the pub
the plan was he would have a curry then soak up the suds in the tub
he took a sup as he stood up he fell to the floor with a yell
he hit the deck, but what the eck, baz says, "i'm feelin' swell"

he buys the scran, back in the van, headed home to relax
before he sees the door barry is plagued with panic attacks.
the answer phone had one message that pushed barry over the edge
"is that barry the roofer man? please come to me as quick as you can"

barry the rooger, barry the roofer, barry the roofer man

he misses his meal, back at the wheel, with his ladders and his map
a dude in despair with a roof to repair, is betting barry's the chap
barry assessed the damaged and guessed, to leave it alone is probably best
the customer cried "fix it man", that night barry died when he got out the van

barry the roofer, barry the roofer, barry the roofer man
barry the roofer, barry the roofer, barry the, barry the, barry the, barry the

the balance of barry's had went...
barry the roofer... barry the, barry the...

CHEATIN' CHICK FROM CHINA

sittin' in the hot wok takeaway
every single thing has gone wrong from that day
"i like english man" said she
cor! i thought free chop suey?
when...
i was sittin' in the got wok, what a shock i got, didn't i, ay

sittin' in the hot wok, she wooed me
she was gonna make a mockery... of me
bamboozled by a chinese bint, she milked me dry
and left... me skint

in a peking penthouse pad, with the bank account i once had
she knew it but i didn't know that, i'd end up in a council flat
tricked and sick, why did he pick a chick, when she's a cheatin' chick
from china

sittin' in the hot wok penniless
she got me in an oriental mess
i fell for, a bird so bad, that hong kong whore
took all... i had

flat broke... i was in a fix, by a bit o' skirt with chopsticks
for a little eastern crumpet, i was left 10 grand in debt

DAVEY'S DAYS

davey, wakes wearing a frown, he knows that she's around
he's in his dressin' gown, down & davey
davey, dreams of days gone by, makes davey wanna cry
he weeps and wonders why

since he tied the knot, it's what davey got
wife of woe, all aggro

why, why, why, why, oh, oh, oh, oh
she makes davey's days so blue
oh, oh, oh, oh
these days of davey's, davey's, these days of davey's these, daveys
days of daveyys

davey, davey's days are days so glum, how did davey be so dumb
what the bleedin' eck's become of davey
davey, the memories of what he had, make davey discontent and sad
a lost and lonely lad

since he tied the knot...

dave the nut made a big mistake, when he cut the wedding cake
we all said at your peril, but davey wed a she devil

monday...
his days were gone, the gormless goon, when he went on his honeymoon
grief and pains, davey says, is what remains of davey's days

NO ONE KNEW THE REAL EMU

rod could not live with or live without... you
you were rodney's life and his worst fear
for the day that no one cared about... you
rod died a penniless puppeteer

no one knew what you were goin' through
destitute, broke and blue, there's nothing that we could do
to save rod or emu, eeoo, eeoo, eeoo

rod meant nowt unless you came along... too
he was up the spout without his bird
then they said that rod was dead
you changed his life and never said a word

there's only rodney only who
had suffered more than you

melancholy rodney, exhausted emu
it all went wrong for rod he, died alone with you

for the day that no one...

emu, rod and emu, rod and emu, rod and you

I GAVE MY HEART TO A SLAG CALLED SHARON FROM WHITLEY BAY

with a candy floss she stood
on the sand she looked real good, to me
love at first sight, what a drag
i fell for a seaside slag, ooee

over the hills where the lads all yell
left at the tyne tunnel

whitley bay, you broke my heart in two
i hate you...
whitley bay, twas whitley bay and you...
sharon, sharon, sharon
slapper form whitley bay
whitley bay oooo

i was stunned and i was shocked
neckin' on the cliffs i clocked sharon... sharon
with the dodgem dude was she
said her eyes were for just for me, sharon... sharon

JEAN'S BEEN

tell her what you done, she's done too, you bet
tell her who you've seen, she'll tell you she's met
tell her where ya been, she'll o'been, she'll o'been truly
she may fool you, but she ain't never gonna fool me

new york, morcambe bay, all talk, no way...
jeans been, jeans been

anywhere we've been, she's been, jeans been there
anything we've seen, she's seen, jeans seen yeah
got them, got that, been there, done that

tell her were ya goin', she'll be goin' too
tell her what ya want, she'll want one just like you
tell her what ya bought, and she'll be buyin' that
she's a psychopathic copycat

light water valley, bangor, torquay
jeans been, jeans been

bought them, bought that, went there, saw that

got them, got that, been there, done that
tried this, tried that, heard them, heard that
drank there, drank that, flew there, flew that
bought them, bought that, went there, saw that
yeahhhhhh jeans been

RITA'S INNOCENT

remember rita when, she was she was contented
and in the kabin all was calm
remember rita when, she was she was contented
and nowt could beat her then, apart, apart, apart, apart from...

little bastard they call chesney
and his evil scheming mam

rita she weren't amused, he nicked he nicked, the sweets n'that
now rita, she's accused, she clipped she clipped she clipped the brat, now...

she wants compo for their chesney
she put rita in a cell
with that little swine called chesney
they both made rita's life hell

cause rita's innocent, but no one could see
rita's innocent, but no one could free
rita's innocent, but no one could see
except norris

now cilla she was there, she went, she went, she went with les
to see rita despair, guilty, guilty the jury says, that

little bastard they call chesney...

guilty, guilty...

remember rita when she was she was... free

SHE'S SO MODERN

la, la, la, la, la

she's so 20th century, she's so 1970's
she know the right things to say, she got the right clothes to wear
cause she's a modern girl, oh yeah
a modern girl, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga
a modern girl, oh yeah

and suzie is a jewel, she flashes when she smiles
she's cunning and she's clever, she's got the low down in her flies
magenta is the best, you know she really makes me laugh
she's always tryin' her impressions, she wants to be a photograph
i gotta say now

she's so modern
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

and jean confided to me, she's mona lisa's biggest fan
she drew a moustache on her face, she's always seen her as a man
and charlie ain't no nazi, she likes to wear her leather boots
cause it's exciting for the veterans and it's a tonic for the troops

she's so m, m, m, m, modern
she's so modern

CHENKY IS A PUFF

easy come, easy go
chenky's bent and he should know
how we feel when he says to us
give z a kiss, give z a kiss, give z a kiss, give z a kiss

we don't spread gossip you know
we just want to warn you, so
beware when you walk home this evening
harmless? not worth believin' no

chenky, chenky, is a pu u u uff
chenky, chenky
chenky, chenky, is a pu u u uff
yeah chenky is a, chenky is a, chenky is a, chenky is a puff

chenky said i love you so, to you a kiss i must blow
oh, but i said it is tough, sorry, i am not puff
chenky still persisted in starin' at me with a grin
beware...

chenky tried his best that night, to give me a love bite
but i dodged him, i got away
packed with puffs, he was ok
if you think he's had enough look out
chenky is a puff
beware...

chenky is a puff

I CAUGHT IT FROM CAMILLA

there she stood in finos, hippo with high heels on
they all said that she goes for the slim and skinny ones
like me

i swigged six jugs o'stella, and she didn't look that bad
she said, "you're my kinda fella", but i wish she never had

we don't wanna be there
we don't wanna be anywhere
near unprotected
what infected me?

with camilla
with camilla
what the eck' went on?
where's his underpants gone?
when he woke with camilla

a dirty dame i dated, a bint beyond belief
i was intoxicated, and it cost me 3 weeks grief

a sting so crucifyin', twas not my cup o'tea
i filled a fortnight cryin' locked in the lavatory

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

leavin' together, still is farewell
maybe we'll come back, to earth, who can tell
guess there is no one to blame
we're leavin' ground, leavin' ground
will things ever be the same again?

it's the final countdown, the final countdown

uh oh
we're headed for venus, and still we stand tall

cause maybe they've seen us, and welcome us all, yeah
so many light years to go
things to be found
so bad we all miss her so

TONY TALKS TRIPE

tony's loaded, that's what tony says
i drink champagne all day
we know he's a farce

YUL BRYNNER WAS A SKINHEAD

There's a fella from a film
reminds me of Duncan Goodewe
but he's not a proper skinhead
cause he hasn't got a tattoo

He's not as wise as he seems
coz he's just an actor
he's a dunce, I've never seen
him on the Krypton Factor

We all rinse in Silvercrin
to keep our head clean
but we know that Yul's not
a common human being
coz he uses Mr Sheen...

[Chorus:]
Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner,
they say he's a skinhead
but we know that it's a lie
Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner
he is just a baldy geezer
from the Kink & I,
Yul BBBBB Brynner

Yul Brynner was a skinhead
they said on the News,
but I've never seen Yul Brynner
wearing Doctor Martens shoes

His only claim to fame was that
he had a shiney nut
But I would look just the same
if I had my hair cut

We all rinse in Silvercrin...
[Chorus]

THE ALBUM AFTER THE LAST ONE

Credit Crunch Christmas

It's no joke, being stony broke
I can't afford no tinsel for the tree
I know I should buy a Christmas pud
But I ain't got no money

We all get the itch, to be filthy rich
I knew that I would never make a mint
For sure I am poor
But I never thought I'd be this skint

Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do we wanna celebrate?
Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do ya wanna celebrate?
We don't wanna celebrate Christmas

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Oh no mistletoe
Crackers on a turkey, oh

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Gloomy locked in
Blue till Boxing Day

Carol singers, there's nowt worse
Sitting in the dark and penniless
Knocking at the door
I can't take anymore
I'm gonna kill Good King Wencelas

Heatings off, nothing left to scoff
I dare don't turn the fairy lights on
It sucks when you're stuck
In a Christmas recession

Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do we wanna celebrate?
Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do ya wanna celebrate?
We don't wanna celebrate Christmas

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Oh no mistletoe
Crackers on a turkey, oh

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Gloomy locked in
Blue till Boxing Day

Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do we wanna celebrate?
Do we wanna party? Nooo
Do ya wanna celebrate?
We don't wanna celebrate Christmas

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Oh no mistletoe
Crackers on a turkey, oh

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Oh no mistletoe
Crackers on a turkey, oh

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch
Gloomy locked in
Blue till Boxing Day

Here comes a credit crunch Christmas
A credit crunch now!

Molly Was Immoral

Molly marked the end
Of her rotten marriage
When she began to spend
Her time round the garage
A libido & lots
(Hey, hey, hey)
More than Elsie Tanners
Molly had the hots
For Kevin's tools ands spanners

The Devil with his dungarees on
Kevin was giving Molly one

Everywhere that Tyrone goes
They say Molly’s wicked
Since Kevin had his leg over
And everyone that Tyrone
Knows call Kevin his best pal
And she was immoral Molly

Molly had her plans
Hey, hey, hey
Brazenly got the balls
To get her filthy hands,
Inside Kevin's overalls
She went in a huff
Started being grumpy
Coz she was up the duff
From having Rumpy Pumpy

The Devil with his dungarees on
Kevin was giving Molly one

Everyone that Tyrone knows
Call Kevin is best pal
And she was immoral Molly

The Devil with his dungarees on
Kevin was giving Molly one

Everywhere that Tyrone goes
They say Molly’s wicked
Since Kevin had his leg over
And everyone that Tyrone
Knows call Kevin his best pal
And she was immoral Molly

Everywhere that Tyrone goes
They say Molly’s wicked
Since Kevin had his leg over
And everyone that Tyrone
Knows call Kevin his best pal
And she was immoral Molly

Molly Was Immoral

Sciatica Sucks

Excruciating pain
I woke hesitating, oh no
I can't lift me left leg
Me foot and me butt's dead, uh oh

What a bleeding nightmare
Aching everywhere, crying
A sack of sciatic pain
Sending me insane, dying

A slipped disc I'd endure
And I know that you can cure lumbago

Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks you back
It knacks
In fact it's crap and oooh
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatica atica shucks
Sciatica atica shucks

A tapped sciatic nerve
What good does this serve me?
I need an ambulance quick
I'm ruined rheumatically

A slipped disc I'd endure
And I know that you can cure lumbago

Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks you back
It knacks
In fact it's crap and oooh
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatica atica shucks
Sciatica atica shucks

It's not fair
Nobody cares
It's no laughing matter
I'm going scatty with sciati-ca-ca-ca

A slipped disc I'd endure
And I know that you can cure lumbago

Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks…

Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks you back
It knacks
In fact it's crap and oooh
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatic attacks, sciatic attacks
Sciatica atica shucks
Sciatica atica shucks

B.E.E.R.

Gimme a B
Gimme an E
Gimme an E
Gimme an R

Oh, my head hurts like a bastard
But I'll do it again
Open up the door and I'll walk right in
Coz when your friends start calling
The beer starts pouring again
And when the beer starts pouring
We all start rolling again

Gimme a B
Gimme an E
Gimme an E
Gimme an R

Oh, my head hurts like a bastard
But I'll do it again
Coz when your friends come calling
The beer starts pouring again
And when the music gets pumping
We all get jumping again

Gimme a B
Gimme an E
Gimme an E
Gimme an R

My head hurts like a bastard
But I'll do it again
Open up the door and I'll walk right in
Coz when your friends come calling
The beer starts pouring again
And when the music gets pumping
We all get jumping again

When your friends come calling
The beer starts pouring
The beer starts pouring
We all get going
The music starts pumping
And we all get jumping
Again!

Kevin's Cotton Wool Kids

Down on the street
Where Kevin's house stands
You'll never meet
None of his soft pans-y kids there
They're nowhere to be seen

He keeps them locked indoors all day
Nobody knocks no more to play
With Kev's kids
Coz he's got them hidden away

We get bullied on the bus
Too cowardly to discuss
We're Kevin's kids us

We are
They're softies, cry babies, coz Kevin
(We are) cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
They're sissies
Coz what he's wrapped them in

Comics and CDs no chance when
Watching the TV's forbidden
He says Blue Peter's too violent

He follows them to the bog and back
A mollycoddling maniac, soft as crap
Cotton wool wrapped by Kevin

We get bullied on the bus
Too cowardly to discuss
We're Kevin's kids us

We are
They're softies, cry babies, coz Kevin
(We are) cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
They're sissies
Coz what he's wrapped them in

We get bullied on the bus
Too cowardly to discuss
We're Kevin's kids us

We are
They're softies, cry babies, coz Kevin
(We are) cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
They're sissies
Coz what he's wrapped them in

Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids
Cotton wool kids

Don't Drive Yer Car Up Draycott Avenue

Don't drive your car up Draycott Avenue
If you do you'll regret it
An HGV will come the other way
You'll still be there next Pancake Tuesday

Staring up the ridgeway
Wishing you were home
With your feet up watching TV
Want to arrive in style, go an extra mile
Take the Fryent way instead

Don't drive your car up Draycott Avenue
If you do you'll regret it
Time it wrong
Catch the mums on the school run
You'll just sit there twiddling your thumbs

Watching Mum getting lairy
At the kids on the backseat
Pumped up on sugary snacks
It's much less stress, lighten your load
Take the Watford Road instead

Don't drive your car up Draycott Avenue
If you do you'll regret it
You'll get boxed in front and behind
They'll be out their cars
Exchanging hand signs

Air turning blue with a stream of abuse
But everybody's stuck so it's no use
It's much less stress, best clear your head
Best take the tube instead

Don't drive your car up Draycott Avenue
If you do you'll regret it
An HGV will come the other way
You'll still be there next Pancake Tuesday

Staring up the ridgeway
Wishing you were home
With your feet up watching TV
Clear your head, it's much less stress
Best take the tube instead

Clear your head it's much less stress
Best take the tube instead

Dirty Doreen

Hello?
Hello? Olga? It's Doreen
Do you fancy coming to celebrate
Me 84th birthday?
I'll put me stockings on

Dirty Doreen, what a pong
£2 pungent perfume on, ooee
O.A.P. ins stilettos
A fossil on the pill I chose, for me

She's an obscene, indecent,
Wrinkly, she's ancient…

Doreen doesn't care
I cannot take one more granny
In a thong
Doreen doesn't care
Zimmer framed fat flirt
What's her name?
That's dirty Doreen

Aw, Dirty Doreen, am I mad?
She's the oldest hag I've had
It's true!
A senior citizen I saw
A slapper pushing 84, aaoo

She's an obscene, indecent,
Wrinkly, she's ancient…

Doreen doesn't care
I cannot take one more granny
In a thong
Doreen doesn't care
Zimmer framed fat flirt
What's her name?
That's dirty Doreen

Doreen, Doreen

Dirty Doreen she prefers
Shopping at Ann Summers, ooee
False teeth and a vibrator
Lay beyond the bedroom door for me

She's an obscene, indecent,
Wrinkly, she's ancient…

Doreen doesn't care
I cannot take one more granny
In a thong
Doreen doesn't care
Zimmer framed fat flirt
What's her name?
That's dirty Doreen

Doreen - Dirty Doreen...

Hey, Olga, that was lovely

Down At The Old 29

Arthur Gladwood, Dodgy Mad Pud
All the lads would disappear
Dick & Monga, they're no longer here

Dougy Bell and Suggie Dell & Ken
All the lads out down the 29, back then
Dickie and Rob, Flip n'Fat Bob came
Now things will never be the same
Again

Arthur Gladwood, Dodgy Mad Pud
All the lads would disappear
Dick & Monga, they're no longer here

I can still see, Kevin Wilksey's face
At the 29 bar on Fridays, always
Me and Mosey, there till closing time
Back in the day the 29 was mine

Arthur Gladwood, Dodgy Mad Pud
All the lads would disappear
Dick & Monga, they're no longer here

A chilling wind blows so cold
And there's no hint of the Old 29

Alfie Noble, Nick and Nobby
Pete and Keith and Mac and Robbie
Baz & Skinny, Tim & Little Paul

Jacky Jimmy, Bobby, Teddy
Donny, Harry Willy, Bernie
Barry, Garry, Charlie, Freddie
Jerry, Trevor, Billy, Ernie
Merry Melly, Jack and Terry
Dirty Dicka, Danny, Neil and all

Micky, Daft Doug, and the lads would be
Down at the 29, happy, with me
But before long, they were all gone, oh
Where did me 29 mates go?
Who knows?

Arthur Gladwood, Dodgy Mad Pud
All the lads would disappear
Dick & Monga, they're no longer here [x2]

Dicky and Rob, Micky and Doug
Flip n'Fat Bob came

Marty's Mam

Marty's Mam forever smiling
She would always grin
Every time we called around
To see if Marty's in

Marty's Mam would answer the door
And with a smiling face
We remember Marty's Mam
The world was a better place

Seems like only yesterday
Marty turned to me to say
What could I do
If me Mam ever passed away?

On the night Marty's Mam died
In a mess, as you can guess
Marty's in a mess
But what can we do?

Marty's mortified
To get him through
We don't have a clue
Just what can we do? Marty!

Ya may be glum, ya may be down
Like I always am
But you'll be fine with a bottle of wine
And a word with Marty's Mam

Feeling blue not long ago
I gave Marty a call
And once I spoke with Marty's Mam
I didn't feel blue at all

Never a moan and never a groan
Never melancholy
Forever and ever
In Marty's memory

On the night Marty's Mam died
In a mess, as you can guess
Marty's in a mess
But what can we do?

Marty's mortified
To get him through
We don't have a clue
Just what can we do?

Seems like only yesterday
Marty turned to me to say
What could I do
If she ever passed away?

On the night Marty's Mam died
In a mess, as you can guess
Marty's in a mess
But what can we do?

Marty's mortified
To get him through
We don't have a clue
Just what can we do?

On the night Marty's Mam died
Ma-a-arty-y-y!
Marty's mortified
Ma-a-arty-y-y!

Marty
What can we do?
What can we do?
Marty
What can we do?

Gordon Brown Gets Me Down

Maggie Thatcher don't scare me
Even though she's a Tory
Alistair Darling's a con
Still I watch him when the budget's on

He's a moron, he's monotonous
Gormless Gordon bores the pants off us

Norman Tebbit, give him credit
Neil Kinnock he knew
Gordon, Gordon

Tony Blair, it's only fair
There's nothing he could do
Gordon, Gordon

Gordon makes me yawn, wooo
Gordon gets me down, wooo
And now we've had enough of Gordon
Boring, boring, Gordon Brown

Cameron he made no sense
At the party con-conference
He's a nerd and he's a creep
Least he doesn't send me to sleep

He's a moron, he's monotonous
Gormless Gordon bores the pants off us

Norman Tebbit, give him credit
Neil Kinnock he knew
Gordon, Gordon

Tony Blair, it's only fair
There's nothing he could do
Gordon, Gordon

Gordon makes me yawn, wooo
Gordon gets me down, wooo
And now we've had enough of Gordon
Boring, boring, Gordon Brown

I'd rather listen to than not
An interview with John Prescott
Tedious and dull no less
Whatever boring Gordon says

He's a moron, he's monotonous
Gormless Gordon bores the pants off us

Norman Tebbit, give him credit
Neil Kinnock he knew
Gordon, Gordon

Tony Blair, it's only fair
There's nothing he could do
Gordon, Gordon

Gordon makes me yawn, wooo
Gordon gets me down, wooo
And now we've had enough of Gordon
Boring, boring

Gordon makes me yawn, wooo
Gordon gets me down, wooo
And now we've had enough of Gordon
Boring, boring Gordon Brown

Decca's Drinkin' Dilemma

What shall we do
With drunken Decca? [x3]
Early in the morning

He, Decca, told me
Decca said he won't be drinking
We know it ain't true
Decca ain't fooling me or you

At the bar, Decca's here
He's gone too far
I need another beer
A goon, a nut, a liver shot gut
Till ya get another round in
He's gonna stay put

Oh Decca, no, Decca's doctor said
Stay away from the pub, think of tomorrow
Oh Decca, no, Decca's drunk instead
Don't be dumb, drunken Decca, don't die

He, Decca's possessed
He's George Best, never sober
Me, I'll have a swift half
He says "Yer having a laugh"
You ain't with me

Half pas ten, he can't stand up
Pissed again
I need another sup
A sip, a drop, he's never gonna stop
Now at the Doctor's dreading Decca
When Decca's on the pop

Oh Decca, no, Decca's doctor said
Stay away from the pub, think of tomorrow
Oh Decca, no, Decca's drunk instead
Don't be dumb, drunken Decca, don't

Decca, man
Decca, you're drinking too much, man
[?]
Sit out, man
You're drinking way too much, man
Deccaaaa

Oh Decca, no, Decca's doctor said
Stay away from the pub, think of tomorrow
Oh Decca, no, Decca's drunk instead
Don't be dumb, drunken Decca, and

Oh Decca, no, Decca's doctor said
Stay away from the pub, think of tomorrow
Oh Decca, no, Decca's drunk instead
Don't be dumb, drunken Decca
Drunk dumb drunken Decca
And Oh Decca, no Decca

Lads, lads, Decca's passed out
You still alive, Decca?

EPISODE XIII

ARTHUR CLARK'S A DARK HORSE

Arthur's in a world of sin
He's bonked more birds than Errol Flynn
Arthur, ARTHUR
He's got no shame
Who's to blame?
Dark horse Arthur
What's his name

ARTHUR, ARTHUR CLARK

He's fooled her, we concur
Arthur Clark's an imposter
Arthur, ARTHUR
He's got no yacht, and you know what
Arthur ain't no air pilot

ARTHUR, ARTHUR
ARTHUR, ARTHUR CLARK

Bigamist, you get the gist?
Arthur Clark's a con artist
Arthur, ARTHUR
Make no mistake
He's a snake
Dark horse Arthur
HE'S A FAKE

He shows no remorse
He's Arthur Clark of course
He's a shark, he's Arthur Clark, dark horse

Corrupted, he's crooked
Two-face Arthur she trusted
Arthur, ARTHUR
She's appalled with that dark,
What's he called?
Arthur Clark
What's he called?
ARTHUR CLARK

ARTHUR CLARK
Arthur Clark, Arthur Clark
Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Clark

BENNY THE BOXER

Way back then, she met Ben
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
He's a dumb, boxing bum
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He nuts bus conductors
Slaps shop keepers too

She's a mug, he's a thug
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
There's no doubt, he won nowt
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He beat Henry Cooper
But we saw no trophies
When we were around Benny's

BBBBBB Benny the boxer
Hey hey hey
BBBBBB Benny the b
Benny the b
Benny the boxer

Boxing skill
He's got nil
He can't box
It's bollocks

He fought Frank Bruno
But we know it ain't so
Coz he's just a yobbo

She left him, things got grim
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
He got dumped, she got thumped
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He beat Henry Cooper

Way back then she met Benny

KNICKERS OFF IN MYKONOS

In Athens, she pretends
In Athens, she loves me
What a cheek
It's all Greek baloney
On a beach, outta reach
As she wished
She's done one, where's she gone
She vanished

I know, you know
We know where
Hell bent, she went there
Where?

In Mykonos, in Mykonos
Nickin' off, and gone 'n' got her knickers off in Mykonos now

At the pool, lookin' cool,
What a fool I searched there
In the room, full of gloom
I despair
All alone, back at home
What a drag
All because Mykonos
And that slag

I know, you know
We know where
Hell bent, she went there
Where?

In Mykonos, in Mykonos
Oh if only, he had o' known she's Shirley Valentine
In Mykonos, in Mykonos

THE LAPTOP LIFTER

The brasserie, pub or cafe,
Wherever you be, he'll go
A maniac, don't turn your back
He'll have yer Mac Book Pro

See me on CCTV
On the prowl for your PC
A tablet taking tragedy
But I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care, I don't care

He's the laptop lifter
Watch yer Ipad disappear
Hide your laptop
Laptop lifter's here

Don't leave yer chair, Ya better beware
He's gonna be there each day
Computer crook, now what's he took?
The minute you look away

Sony, Toshiba or Dell
I'll even pinch yer Packard Bell
He'll nick yer notebook,
That as well
Coz I don't care

Addicted, he should be doin' time
He's always led a thieving life o' crime
He can't stop so don't think twice
To leave your laptop or digital device

WAFFLE WOMAN

At breakfast in Belgium on our honeymoon
She says I'm poppin' out for shoppin'
I'll be back soon

Where the 'eck have you been
I guessed where she'd gone
She burped and cried as she denied her waffle addiction

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

Waffle woman, what a sight
Where did you get that appetite
Waffle scoffing, scoffing waffles night and day
She was such a shapely spouse
Until she hit that waffle house
Her belly burst and blew her blouse away
Waffle, waffles, waffles

One waffle week later
She's in for a shock
She's a pig, buttocks so big
They won't fit in her frock

She resembled Kate Moss
Slim and trim, skinny
She became fatty bum bum
She's two tonne Tessie

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

There's no need to fret
She said don't forget
When I get on me crash diet

No more

Waffle, recipes
It's low calories for me

In a Belgian bistro
We bid out fond farewells
She got so wide
She's stuck inside
Abandoned in Brussels

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

CHRISTINE'S CLOTHES

Steven we know, he's alright
Steven ain't no transvestite
Christine meantime she tells me
Steve's a two timing tranny

Now there's nowt that we can do
Since Steve became Danny La Rue
Paul O'Grady, he's a lady boy

And only Christine knows, where Steven goes
When Steve's in Christine's clothes

Not content in Christine's bra
Guess where Christine's panties are?
Steven's shirty there's no doubt
Steven's dirty secret's out

Now there's nowt that we can do
Since Steve became Danny La Rue
Paul O'Grady, he's a lady boy

Christine, where's Steven gone?
Christine, where's Steven gone?

SHE'S A WORKY TICKET

She's a little worky ticket
I bought her a king cone and she wouldn't lick it
She wanted the chocolate one
But when I got there they'd all gone

Yeah she's a worky ticket
Everywhere we go worky ticket
Leaves me standin' in the rain and freezin' in the snow
Worky ticket everywhere we go
Worky ticket
Worky ticket

Sent me up the pub for 20 L&B
But when I got back all she did was yell at me
Sittin' watchin' Dickens on the box
What's that funny smell
Ya better go 'n' wash yer socks

I couldn't bear it, not take any more
Grabbed me coat and me hat, slipped out of the door

She's a little worky ticket
I bought her a watch and she wouldn't fit it
I fixed it meself, now it's smashed upon the shelf
Doesn't fit, never mind...

SEŃOR BENIDORM

Home from her holidays smitten and in a daze
She says it's just a phase, you'll see
I've only a guitar, he owns a Tapas bar
Now she's forever starved
Hungry

She's with that, ohhh
Spanish prat, ohhh
Always, always, always

On the Costa Blanca sands
Paella, new fella
His chorizo in her hands
With Señor Benidorm

I bought her tortilla, she's fraught and angrier
Slurping a sangria, nightmare
It can't be over yet, she says I am sorry pet
And nicked off on Easyjet back there

She's with that, ohhh
Spanish prat, ohhh
Always, always, always

Now I was outta luck
I've no recipe book and she knows
I cannot cook pinchos
Off to his Spanish pad
I knew that I'd been had
It's over now, it's adios

RICHARD CLAYDERMAN'S A CREEP

Liberace, I can see, you'll agree, he's unique
But this pompous git, must admit, thinks he's it, he's a freak

Ballade Pour Adeline's a disgrace
Steal his score coz he's a waste of space
Smash his smarmy, smash his smarmy face

Richard Clayderman's a creep
Richard, all the women wail and weep
Richard, Richard makes grannies gulp and blush
French blonde knob, he ain't no Bobby Crush

He never fails, with his scales, that the dames can't resist
But why all the fuss, for a dumb, hideous pianist

Oh that snotty old hat
Don't wanna see that piano prat's eyes of blue

Why's he, constantly, cocky smug and slimy?
And every single time he smiles, he makes me spew

JAMES BOND LIVES DOWN OUR STREET tune

My name is Bond! James Bond.
James Bond lives down our street
I've seen him he catches the 32 bus
James Bond lives down our street
sometimes he sits on the back seat with us
he's got a gun strapped to his chest
you can't shoot him in a bullet proof vest
a clever lad but can be a pest sometime
CHORUS:
0.0.7. James Bond lives down our street
Jimmy's a spy but both you and I know
Sean Connery or Roger Moore, that I'm not quite sure
But what I know is James Bond...
lives down our street
James Bond lives down our street
sometimes he gets a helicopter to work
Jamoes Bond lives down our street
me dad's oldfashioned and he says he's a jerk
he's always chasing a heavy mob
he should go out and get a proper job
he should go out and get a proper job sometime
CHORUS
Down our street there lives a spy
says he works for M.I. 5
he's always a star when you're having a party
says he went to school with Russel Harty
he's a real smarty
he is a real smarty.
My hair is Blonde! dyed blonde!

OLGA I CANNOT tune

-"I think I'll ring, Kendra. Hello? It's Olga. C-can I speak to Kendra please?"
-"Just hold on a minute pet. Kendra? Olga's on the phone, do you want to speak to him?"
-"Ah! I cannot."
I first saw Kendra at a pub called the Rumside Hall - in Durham
So sweet and tender but she did not even see me at all - No
She looked so nice, she smelled so fine
Oh, how I wished that Kendra was mine
5 foot 1 and eyes that were blue
A smile that made me melt
Oh, what could I do?
I had to get Kendra's telephone number really quick - Yes
If I came straight to the point it would do the trick - Yes
I asked her if she'd like to go out with me
She said that she was flattered, but I just couldn't see
Why she said...
CHORUS:
Oh! Olga I cannot...
Oh! Olga I cannot...
My boyfriend's sitting on the Sunday (not sure about this last word)
He does not want you to see me
So Olgaaaaa... I cannot.
I was really de-pressed, what could I do? I was blue
I'll ring her up again in a day or two, on Monday
Her boyfriend wasn't there, so I felt lucky
Howza bout now baby come out with me?
And she said... she said...
CHORUS
I would if I could, but I don't think I should
I can't, well I can but I shan't - it's not good man
Olga... I cannot... I cannot! I cannot!! I cannot!!!!
I'm sorry that I ever rang
She said "Don't be dafted. Oh! Olga man
I want to see you, don't get me wrong
I'll contact you soon, it won't be long
But at the moment... I cannot."
I called Kendra another fifty times on the phone - Yes
She agreed to meet me, but I should have known - Yes
I wound the window down in the Rolls Royce
I said "Jump in the back!" and then I heard her voice
Start to say...Start to say...
CHORUS
I'm going to Laurete for my holiday in Spain
And when I get back, I still cannot again
so Olgaaaaaaa....
CHORUS
I talked it over with my mum and me dad
But even my sister and the dog think I'm mad!
So Olga.... yes Olga..... I cannot.

TEKSTY

DIG THAT GROOVE BABY

A FAR OUT DISC

SINGLES 83/84

IDLE GOSSIP

BARE FACED CHEEK

WAKEY WAKEY

FAT BOB'S FEET

ABSURD-DITTIES

ORCASTRATED

ONE MORE MEGA BYTE

ANNIVERSARY ANTHEMS

OUR LAST ALBUM?

THE ALBUM AFTER THE LAST ONE

EPISODE XIII

ARTHUR CLARK'S A DARK HORSE

BENNY THE BOXER

KNICKERS OFF IN MYKONOS

THE LAPTOP LIFTER

WAFFLE WOMAN

CHRISTINE'S CLOTHES

SHE'S A WORKY TICKET

SEŃOR BENIDORM

RICHARD CLAYDERMAN'S A CREEP

JAMES BOND LIVES DOWN OUR STREET tune

OLGA I CANNOT tune

WE'RE MAD / IDLE GOSSIP

DWA BOOTLEGI DVD Z KONCERTÓW Z POLSKI!

Wywiad dla Punk Oi UK 2003